I look at swearing as something to be earned. In fact, there should be a license required to swear issued by the Bingo Society For A Free And Educated Swearing America. For example, anyone who cannot form a complete sentence “without” colorful metaphors cannot swear. There will be a $500 dollar fine imposed on such a person. If they cannot afford $500, a brick will be thrown through the window of their mobile home during the most intense moment of Jerry Springer: Transvestite Strippers Unleashed IV.

Another rule: those who swear must have an I.Q. that exceeds 125. That’s a good, safe bet that the person is not a high schooler. The average I.Q. of an American high school graduate is 112…or at least that’s what is required to hang those precious skins on your wall. (Did you? No…neither did I. Kinda looks silly.) Now, for the 20% of high schoolers with I.Q.s over 125, they should be allowed to swear at will. You see, when you’re intelligent you can swear and make it funny. When you’re a complete moron, you swear because you have nothing better to say.

You know, like most black comics.

The exception being Dave Chappelle, that loony dude who darted from his genius show. I think a show that cool could only have existed for “so” long before someone freaked and had their head explode. Dave’s head is…well, it’s a goner for now. Too bad. Funny Jacko.

The rest of the black comic world is…well, UPN. God help us all.

Was that a racist statement? F — K NO. (See, that’s an example of swearing while making relevant points and constructing sentences that make a wee bit of sense.) Despite my self-imposed dashes (I’m trying to respect those who do not share my liberal mentality toward the pseudo-English language), you get what I’m saying, right? Right.

The reason I say “F — K NO”? Because we’re a nation of retarded whiners — especially those who toss the race card like a deuce in a full house-to-be. Oh, everything is freakin’ racist. Funny thing is, the racists are the ones who pick up on it.

Check it out: black people are cool. Most of them dress cool. Most of them act cool. Some of them are pro comics and they’re funny. Most of them just swear a lot and that makes other black people laugh. This is probably due to the fact the comic is also black, and makes rent money by swearing a lot.

Is that racist, or merely an astute observation? An opinion based on sensory data and reflection?

You decide. However, if you decide it’s racist, f — k off my blog.

Wow…I’m like so far away from fitness. I feel like Dr. Phil.

Don’t worry…I’ll weasel my way back into the fold.

What does all of this have to do with the title of today’s blog? Well…nothing really. Except for the fact that I just noticed that my ex hardly ever swears in emails. She’s a lady of “restrained commentary.” I’m sure she swears like a sailor when she’s alone, but who knows. All I know is that when she “does” let it slip, I laugh — it makes her so much more human. Perhaps flaws are nice. Perhaps flaws are necessary.

Perhaps swearing isn’t a flaw — perhaps it’s just something that should require a license.

My ex would easily be granted her Bingo License To Swear. She’s a super-bright one. Hot as all, too. However, she’s a part of a club (no commentary on my part here) who would be against such things. So be it. She’s still pretty cool. Didn’t used to be. Times change.

During the past few weeks I’ve been chatting with my ex via email. (Dear Ex…if you’re reading this, you’re safe…it’s all good. No names and all. I will, however, provide your SSN and current address for Bingo fans to write you and then steal your credit line. No, kidding. Well, maybe. No…no…no. Really. Maybe.) The only thing I ‘will’ say about that due to privacy (i.e. it’s none of your business, you blog voyeur you) is that our search for the truth is often one we’ll put off in exchange for our search for comfort.

Despite radically different beliefs, she and I share a desire for truth. I think my tolerance of discomfort is considerably higher, but she’s still a trooper when it comes to digging for it. I think that’s cool. It’s reminded me of searching for the ‘truth’ behind workouts and fitness and so-on.

Told ya. I’ll get there…I always do.

Here’s the bit for the day: sometimes, the truth behind what it takes to become fit means leaving behind the reality of comfort and “knowing all there is to know.” It’s a journey you take into the unknown; granted, with certainty principles on your side. Still, it’s not a given.

Fact of the matter is you could drop dead on a jog. Fitness atheists point this out as they laugh, swig on malt liquor, and take a drag from their 10th fag in 2 hours. (“Fag” is Brit slang for “cigarette”, which I find just really freakin’ funny.) What they are missing is the journey — the thrill of the unknown.

They’re probably killing themselves early as well, but hey — who knows. More than that, who freakin’ cares? Well, I mean, yeah — care if someone you know is killing themselves early and all. What I meant by that is it shouldn’t matter to you if you’re going to “live longer” by doing this fitness and nutrition bit.

Who cares?

Life is terminal. Get over it.

That puts you square into one position and one position only: you must do this because you really love the thrill of the journey. Jack Lalanne says he “hates to work out.” He just loves the fringe benefits. I find that hard to believe, but whatever. I think he loves to train otherwise he wouldn’t overtrain to the extent he does. If all he was after were the benefits, he could do far less work than he does.

Good marketing bit, though.

So, here’s where we’re at. First, swear only if you have a license, which requires a nominal I.Q. Second, avoid UPN and most black comics with the exception of Dave Chappelle, old Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, and Chris Rock. Chris Rock is really very funny despite the swearing. He’s an anomaly. He appears to be “yet another one of those”, but he’s really quite insightful. Next, seek truth over comfort. Finally, embrace the journey rather than some sort of pay-off. You’ll get your pay-off simply by being on the journey.

If you happen to live about 15 years longer, cool beans. That’s the average stats. I say “who cares” unless you’re truly alive to begin with.

Now, I’m f — king out of here.

Just kidding…you see, that was an example of poor swearing. I should have my license revoked. {10}