Multiple choice
My flock of 10ers, come hither and bringeth thy sheep and thy myrrh, and pounceth thy pooter down, giving heed to my tongue.
(Aren’t you just tickled cyan that I don’t talk like Moses?)
Here’s your choices in life. They are:
- Live every day as if it were your last.
- Die a little every day as if it doesn’t matter.
- Die today, and make it your last.
Now, which two sentences have the word “die” in them? Here’s the clue for today — avoid those alternatives. I know, I know…I’m controversial, confusing and other “c”-words, but even that hopelessly senile John McMadden can figure this one out.
(Another football reference, so I beg thy forgiveness, all ye who taught us how to talk like this, ye siLLY TWITS, WHAT WITH YOUR DRIVING IN THE WRONG LANE AND ENDING PERFECTLY GOOD WORDS WITH “OUGH” WHEN A FREAKN’ “U” WOULD HAVE SUFFICED, WELL, I AUGHTA….)
Oh. My, my.
Such pent-up frustration. And me, a Brit-lover! I missed tea-time today. Please, pardon me.
Anyhooooo…John MADDEN is a commentator on Monday Night Football who looks like his head is about to explode any second. Seriously. That man has a huge f-n head. It gets bigger every year, too. I really think he’s going to collapse in on himself like a dwarf star one of these days and create a gravitational pull so intense that Michael Jackson can’t even escape it.
(psttt….daDUM. Thank you…thank you….Johnnie, you’re doing swell tonight on the skins…)
I call him “McMadden” because he looks like he consumes a McDonald’s restaurant on a daily basis. It’s fitting, as “The McMadden” sounds like a new McDeath’s delicacy.
In fact…oh, why not…here’s the commercial:
Queue benign hip-hop music and really happy-looking cool kids goofing off, acting all kiddish and cool and stuff, and entering near-by McDeaths on a sunny day. Make sure there’s a black guy, an Asian girl and an out-of-place cracker in the customer mix. Pan to the Hispanic hottie behind the counter who looks like she’s more thrilled to be cooking fries than having guilt-ridden sex with Brad Pitt.
Queue deep-voiced, trying-to-sound-cool-and-African-American-like but white voice-over talent…
New at McDeaths…the McMadden. All-white announcer’s head on a toasted all-white nutritionless bun with a side of Brett Farve (that’s pronounced FARVE) Super-McPickles placed on an all-white paper plate in a phallically suspicious way.
McDeaths…it’s where all the cool kids eat until they’re old, fat, and watching commercials…just like you.
We made you what you are today, so get up and get away, to…
Well, I kinda went old-school there at the end, but yeah…the McMadden everyone.
You know, at this point only the most die-hard 10er is reading. I could be giving away the location of Jimmy Hoffa, and no one would be around to peep it. Wow. That means I can say anything now…so…
I’ll say something useful.
Those three options…remember? I know, it was a while back…before the McMadden and exploding heads on prime time.
I bet you’d take option one. You did, didn’t you?
BAAAANT. Wrong answer.
Here I go. Brace yourselves.
First, I would alter that old saying to something more logical: live each day in a way that upholds the deepest of your Core Values and takes you closer to your Driving Points.
I’ll tell you why.
I would not workout on my last day on earth, assuming I knew it was my last day. I’d spend it with my family and friends, and then I’d probably go off and rob a bank and give all the money to really poor people. Then I’d shoot Rumsfeld with a rubber bullet…just enough to hurt…a lot. Then I’d find Claire Forlani and beg for it. Then I’d jump on the back of a large monkey. I love monkeys, and I’m curious, okay? Then I’d go to a football game with a sign that reads, “John 16:18”. That passage says, They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.”
Yeah baby…leave this blue marble with a big freaking, “Huh?” resonating within the bible-thumper crowd, questions as to my sanity, and quite possibly an impregnated but still incredibly luscious Claire Forlani.
Now, I submit to you: is this any way to spend every day of your freakin’ life? NO! You wouldn’t get jack crap done, now would you? You’d get tossed in jail and slapped with child support if you lived my last day. Not fun if you repeat that, say, 30,000 times in a row. My stars, that kind of daily living would make the movie Groundhog Day look like an MTV video…back when MTV actually had videos. And music.
I trust you clearly see why you have to create your reality based on your own rules rather than blindly following what seems to be good advice. I really had you going with that opener. You thought I was going to tell you, “Yeah man, like live every day as if it were you LAST man, ‘cause…like, that’s what the old man told me, man…”
No! Like, I mean…who do you think you’re reading? This isn’t “Cathy”, this is stuff that matters…plus I’m funny. Two things that soon-to-be-a-birds-poop-art cartoon will never be.
The point of this blog? You must (a) expect the unexpected, especially when braving my verbosity; and (b) adapt and personalize. Analyze accepted dogma before giving it your stamp of approval. Then and only then should you consider adopting it as your own.
The extreme of this is not so hot, either. That’s what we high-tech coaching gurus call “a rebel.” Now, a true rebel adopts nothing — so “rebel” could just be another word for “God, can I BE any more stupid? Huh? Can I??” Now you can see why they just use “rebel”. That’s a long phrase to keep saying over and over, and that James Dean movie with “rebel” in the title would have never made it on those old marquees. Too many “a”s…ever notice that? You run out of “a”s first when building a marquee.
(Could you learn any more than you learn with me on 10? No. So don’t even try. Now, buy something of mine to show your appreciation.)
One step further with a practical example: “Never eat after X PM.” Why? Does your body know what time it is? I’ve already explained why that Chicago song is dumb as a piece of wet lettuce, so are you gonna make me explain this as well? Sorry…I won’t. ‘Cause it’s dumb, that’s why.
Your metabolism dips and dives all day and all night. I eat right before I go to bed. I get lean. See? Dumb.
That’s just one example, and Allah knows I could think of 10,001 if given enough time and a prehensile tail.
(That last bit was referring back to my love of the monkey. You really do need to pay attention.)
My friends, heareth and taketh my wisdometh: think for yourselves, but use mentors to set your initial choo-choo train of thought on a decent set of tracks.
Finally, my report card: I’m down 7…all fat…and you? {10}
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Comments (22)
Jean said:
Wow way to go Jon… I am not sure how much I am down but my Jeans as well as my boy friend are telling me I have released fat (the bo is my human skin calliper TeeHee : )
As for the jeans well it’s almost time to come down another size….hmmmmm 19 months of hard work and a change in diet….50lbs later not that I worry about the scale so much
but to drop from a size18 to a 12 feels great!!!!!! And I feel so much healthier too.
Everyone keep working at it for life!
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 02:38 AM
janine hill said:
Now if that was high tea you’re waiting for you won’t lose a lb this week.Unfortunately I don’t think I will as I have been sick and my inner ear is causing balance problems so I am only functioning on a basic level and no gym but for all that the blog keeps me learning so it is not all in vain .
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 05:37 AM
Tera said:
I haven’t pinched myself with the fat calipers lately, but my pants are fitting a little looser and I’m *feeling* healthier (the true test). I managed to go for a short bike ride yesterday (6mi) before storms moved in. I’m trying to work up to longer distances, but need to ride more frequently. BF had a fantastic interview at a sports store yesterday, and will get a discount if he gets employed there. We’re hoping that maybe we can get some indoor equipment that will help me out (since gyms are banned from my world). That might be my silver lining for putting up with him being unemployed again. *grin*
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 06:45 AM
Elizabeth said:
Anybody else try Magnesium and have their stomach upset?
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 07:37 AM
Lisa said:
I didnt fall for it!!!
I really never bought into that saying “live everyday as your last”
cause Id go shopping and spend all my money and eat ice cream all day.
I dont think Im down an ounce…Im still working on the mindset part….so far this week is good…got my coconut oil…yummy!!!
Not sure what I need to kick this into gear….but still searching!!! and not giving up.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 08:17 AM
Cherie said:
Elizabeth,
I’ve used Magnesium for several years, there is a theory that it helps decrease migraines. Yes, it can have side effects of diarrhea or stomach upset. You just need to back the dose down untill S/S go away, then slowly increase dose back up.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 09:09 AM
Cherie said:
Jon,
Your promised thoughts on the body building contest? Blog please…I am interested on your thoughts on the sport.
Thanks
Cherie
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 09:16 AM
Kristy said:
I haven’t lost anything yet but the pieces are starting to fall into place. I actually worked out two days in a row. I couldn’t make it for a third because I was just too sore this morning. I’m just not in as good a shape as I was in 4 months ago. I’ll be working out tomorrow though. I actually bought groceries and cooked food at home which is a very good thing. I’m also signing up for a CSA subscription (it’s where you pay a local farm to deliver you fruits and veggies every week.) Now I can’t even use “I didn’t have time to go to the store” as an excuse.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 10:42 AM
Elizabeth said:
Cherie - thanks! I’ve never had a migraine, just heard about Magnesium through 10 and wanted to do whatever it took to stave off sugar cravings. I just started in at 1000mg/day - plus the little that comes in my liquid calcium (GNC-tastes gross, but seems to help menstrual cramps). I’ve called a Sports Nutritionist for a little assist. I’m gonig to start training for a Triathlon after my Marathon in January and feel I could use some professional input…
I appreciate everybody posting - makes me feel less “alone” in my trek!
YAAAAY 10!!!
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 11:41 AM
Rosita said:
Wow, Jon, 7lbs of fat, and Jean, 50, wholly smokes! Congrats to you.
I recently saw what one pound of fake fat(it was a model)looks like. It’s powerful visually to see and feel. Both your successes and that fat glob have given me added motivation.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 11:59 AM
anna said:
hello
I know what you are talking about, jon,
although some humor just went by me, but that is ok. we don’t even realize sometimes but we tend to look at other people and say i will do the same thing and this will garantee me the same results. It is true that we have to find for ourselves what works for us and what doesn’t we sure can look at other people’s progress and schedules but we shouldn’t expect the same results. that is how people get frustrated and give up because they don’t see the results they would like to see.
Realistic goals is the key.
Focus is the key.
I loose my focus now and then that is why this blog is so fabulous because it keeps you focused and if that doesn’t help jon puts you right where you should be.
have a great day everybody
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 01:26 PM
Lori said:
“Birds, bees and monkeys…” That’s a common saying in my house. It’s the 3 ways in which I would hate to die. So I thought it funny that you like monkeys. Actually they are interesting to watch and are smarter than alot of people I know. Did you read about the poor old man in California (yup, that’s where I live) who was attacked by a bunch a monkeys when he brought birthday cake to a monkey that he had owned for years?
That’s what happens when you let people raise wild animals—the animals start taking on the qualities of people, sugar cravings and all. Anyway, do you really like monkeys or is that just some weird metaphore that I don’t get?
And thanks for all of the laughs and motivation when you got back. That was an excellent entry. You must have had a great time…It showed.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 02:20 PM
Alicia said:
“Analyze accepted dogma before giving it your stamp of approval. Then and only then should you consider adopting it as your own.”
Someone should have explained this to Tom Cruise before he got sucked in! and Katie, Katie, Katie… why didn’t she do like Forrest? Now things are a little more complicated being prego and all but it’s not too late… run Katie run!!!
Sorry, I get really riled up about religious organizations that fry people’s brains, turning them into a shell of human being and hurting everyone around them in the process! I guess I focused in on the word “dogma”. I speak from my own personal experience but now back to 10….
Sorry Jon! On a happy note, today’s blog made me laugh so much that my co-worker asked me what was so funny.
Madden’s love affair with Favre cracks me up! Congrats on your boys win against those stinkin Eagles!! My Texans suck eggs but I’m a loyal kinda gal so I’ll stick by them through the bad years and worst years… lol j/k They’re still a relatively new team ya know… How long am I allowed to use that?
Ok now back to 10… honest engine this time… I have a question. :D As I understand it, your body fat probably won’t go down more than one percent per month. Correct? If that’s correct then by the scale measure if you are losing one pound a week, how do you know if it’s 1 pound of fat when your accumeasure caliper is not going to show a precentage decrease until possibly at the end of the month? I take my accumeasurement caliper measurement and scale weight measurement weekly but it appears I’m losing lean body mass until the end of the month when I see the precentage go down on the accumeasure caliper. Am I doing something wrong?
I know you said not to post too many questions but this is my first and I’ve tried to figure it out on my own but still need help. Pretty please with sugar and spice?
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 05:05 PM
Tina said:
Hi Jon,
decided to check out the blog early today, I sat here and laughed all the way through it. My son and I go to the zoo every weekend in the summer, the monkey and the reptile house are our favorites. I especially like the lemers and the gibbons. We have a special relationship and they love the dog/goat food I bring for them. My family inherited a monkey from an uncle when I was younger he was a riot (the monkey, not the uncle), never tried to feed him birthday cake but he loved taking off to climb trees and my dad had to climb up and get him (it was pretty funny then). Well I left all your information for the big O today. I told them they had to get a hold of you since it was your story not mine. You said you did not mind so I gave them all your info, name, e-mail, cell number, blog, M-Power, and e-book info. They are going to have some weight loss shows coming up shortly so you need to get on the bandwagon. My only regret is that you won’t have time for us bloggers if you get that big. On to the weight, the pants are getting so loose I have to wear a belt to keep them up, time to move on down. Compliments are coming in daily and more people are taking a second look (men and women) I have a really small waist and the thinner I get the bigger the boobs look (my weight leaves my face and my stomach first). As you remember the weight comes off and the confidence goes back up (I just licked my finger and touched my ass and it’s sizzling), thank you for your participation. The strange part is as I keep dropping the poundage my peers keep putting M&M’s and Peanut Butter Cups on my desk (my favorites) especially my boss(they know I’m working off the fat for rude). When they ran the ad for my job it said you had to be in good shape because we also build state of the art basketball courts (jack of all trades). One would think they’d not sabbotage me. Also to everyone I read that Oprah is now saying that in 1988 when she went on that liquid diet and lost 61 pounds she had starved herself (no real food) for 4 months to fit into her size 10 CK Jeans. Immediately after the show she started to eat again to celebrate her loss and and by the weekend she could not fit into the jeans anymore. She said it was one of the biggest mistakes she ever made. She talks about it online and also in her new 20 year cd collection. Thank you Jon for leading us down the right path of healthy fat loss.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 05:27 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Alicia:
I’ll just quote you, as this is good stuff!
“Analyze accepted dogma before giving it your stamp of approval. Then and only then should you consider adopting it as your own.”Someone should have explained this to Tom Cruise before he got sucked in! and Katie, Katie, Katie… why didn’t she do like Forrest? Now things are a little more complicated being prego and all but it’s not too late… run Katie run!!!Sorry, I get really riled up about religious organizations that fry people’s brains, turning them into a shell of human being and hurting everyone around them in the process! I guess I focused in on the word “dogma”. I speak from my own personal experience but now back to 10….
Yeah, I hear you. Perhaps Scientology has a few amendments to the Bill Of The 10 Commandments, such as, “Thou shall boff the youngest bimbo thou can findest if thou maketh over $4M per film…eth.”, and “Divorce, Smivorce…just plow ‘em all and let Go…er, ME, sort ‘em outeth….just DON’T STARE or I’ll smite thee in my mercy.”
Stuff like that.
Freakin’ boneheads…but hey, what are you going to do? Tom is a bright guy but the bulb is fading fast. Katie…hmmm. Don’t know, but I’d wager she’s about a sharp as a perfect circle. So, dogma loves this and preys on it easily.
I’m sure a lof of us (religious or not, Christian or non, Aggienostics excluded) could tell stories about struggles with dogma. However, in defense of faith, there is a huge difference. No matter what one believes, faith and dogmatic, myopic judgmentalism are (or can be) separated. Like I said, just don’t KILL ANYONE, and you don’t suck.
If you do, you suck. I don’t care if Allah, Jehovah (same God I think, at least to the Allahites), Buddha and 129 misc. deities all told you to, DON’T KILL PEOPLE.
God.
Ooops.
Buddha! Why is that so difficult to process? Hey, world…STOP KILLING EACH OTHER.
Just remember: WWJB: “Who Would Jesus Bomb?”
There you go. Substitute “Ghandi”, or “Bramamacasmithers” if you want, but the principle is the same.
(Someone is going to remind me that the Old Testament had its fair share of “Kill in my name.” Believe what you want, but you know what? I just don’t see that in the Prince of Peace. But I hear he was good with a whip…)
Anyway, I’ve offended the entire earth with that bit, so before anyone does decide to kill ME, I’ll move on…(P.S. Don’t kill me.)
On a happy note, today’s blog made me laugh so much that my co-worker asked me what was so funny.
I was beginning to wonder, as the responses thus far have been as if I just wrote the last sentence and hit “upload.” LAUGH, PEOPLE…that was some good material there…yeah. So…yeah. Get with it. Grab yourself a McMadden and chuckle.
Seriously, thanks for the props. : )
Madden’s love affair with Favre cracks me up!
McMadden wants Favre (that’s pronounced FARVE) so bad he’d trade his personal bus for a round of 7 Minutes in Heaven. Disgusting, eh? The low point was when McMadden decides to bring up Bretty during games where the Packers are 1,500 miles away…while discussing defensive blitz packages.
I think the network finally told him that Brett is NOT gay and he needs to just stick to eating McDonald’s restaurants until his head explodes…which brings us up to yesterday’s perrty blog.
On top of all that, he sucks. How someone who coached a Super Bowl team could ‘suck’ as a commentator is beyond me, but…my, my. He loves to point out the absolutely, pathetically obvious and….hang with me now…REPEAT IT AT LEAST TWICE. Usually three times.
Example (sorry, I’m on a roll): during the Cowboy game, good ole John decides to educate the MNF audience by explaining what the Eagles’ offensive strategy was after T.O. was booted from the team (he’s their now ex wide receiver.)
His eloquent drippings were something like this: “Well, uhhhhh….you know, BAM, you have a missing wide receiver in Terrell Owens, so…uhhhh….the, the, The Eagles really needed to come up with a plan on how they would handle that, Al, and uhhhh. Uhhhh…they did! They did, and what, what, what, what, what the plan was is to throw the ball to Reggie Brown. Yeah, Reggie Brown is the solution they came up with, and also Chad Lewis. So, Reggie Brown…and Chad Lewis, that’s what the Eagles came up with to throw to in the absence of Terrell Owens, Al.
Brett Favre would have done the same thing, only better and…uh, with a nicer butt.”
(He didn’t say that last part, but god knows he was THINKING IT…)
Reggie Brown and Chad Lewis are (a) the other wide receiver, and (b) the tight end. In other words, the other f-n receivers.
McMadden edumacated us on the fact that the Eagles would throw to the OTHER GUYS already assigned to a receiving position.
See, I just repeated myself twice. Annoying, eh? There you go.
That’s McMadden for you. He sucks. He’s on the list. Just you wait. Senile old drudge.
Congrats on your boys win against those stinkin Eagles!! My Texans suck eggs but I’m a loyal kinda gal so I’ll stick by them through the bad years and worst years… lol j/k They’re still a relatively new team ya know… How long am I allowed to use that?
Yeah, those smelly Eagles…almost as bad as those smelly Celtics (the race, not the team.)
Actually, we didn’t “win”…we just sucked less in the last 4 minutes. However, this is karma, as we lost TWO (count them, t-w-o) games in similar fashion. We pounded on Seattle like Rocky on freezer beef for FIFITY-EIGHT MINUTES…and lost in 2. We literally went from first place to LAST PLACE in two minutes. That has to be a record of some sort. Same with those smelly Redskins. Ugh.
So, we’ll all take this (and first place, thank YOU) as justification.
Moot, as unless we change defenses, Denver is going to maul us like a bear in heat.
Ok now back to 10… honest engine this time… I have a question. :D As I understand it, your body fat probably won’t go down more than one percent per month. Correct? If that’s correct then by the scale measure if you are losing one pound a week, how do you know if it’s 1 pound of fat when your accumeasure caliper is not going to show a precentage decrease until possibly at the end of the month? I take my accumeasurement caliper measurement and scale weight measurement weekly but it appears I’m losing lean body mass until the end of the month when I see the precentage go down on the accumeasure caliper. Am I doing something wrong?
No, but the reliance needs to be on the clothes and your strength in the gym. Basically, it goes like this:
If your jeans are fitting better and you’re moving up in weight, reps or down in rest, you’re right on the mark. You simply cannot be going in the wrong direction. Most people that’s firing on these cylinders are discarding 1-2 pounds of fat per week. Any LESS would not produce the feeling in the jeans; any MORE, or any muscle, would not give you the increases in the gym, at least for more than a week or so.
Take your BF about once every 2 weeks. You should see about 1/2-1% decreases, and since BF takes muscle into consideration, you can calculate the amount of muscle you’re either maintaining, building or losing.
I know you said not to post too many questions but this is my first and I’ve tried to figure it out on my own but still need help. Pretty please with sugar and spice?
Let’s see…you laugh at my jokes, you hate McMadden, and you still congratulated the Cowboys while being a loyal Texan fan. That deserves an answer to just about anything… : )
That’s “this far” from cooking me dinner.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 05:47 PM
Kay said:
Jon,
Oprah? Are you kidding? I hope so! Why would you want to be on a gossip show? I know she’s the richest gossip on the planet but still she’s a gossip. Nothing real there. The only people who watch those shows have no life and don’t even want a life. You’re leaps and bounds above that now, why stoop?
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 08:44 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Kay:
Nope…not kidding. Oprah is not on my TeeeeeVo, but I think she’s far more than ‘gossip’. She had Bono on a few months back, and that one show inspired about 250,000 new members to the One Project.
I can reach millions of people…bottom line. No stooping at all; my goal is to help as many as possible. I’d only be stooping if I was Dr. Phil selling a diet book.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 09:23 PM
Kay said:
Jon
Well different perspectives I guess, the mentality of Americans watching TV and being led by what they watch… hey wouldn’t that fit into todays blog?
Maybe I’m the last hold out who believes that whatever is hyped on the boob tube will make you a boob.
I admire your goal and I believe you will accomplish it. Because you “rock”.
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 10:29 PM
Gypsi said:
Sitting here reading everyone’s blog is so funny… Some agreeing and some not. I will ride the fence on Oprah… somedays shes got great stuff and other times not.. she can help reach alot of people… to bad I will be working when it is on…
Lost 2 lbs.. feel lighter but I don’t see it much… Do feel cleaner from the inside out… Drinking my greens before bed.. forgot the coconut oil added to it so it has hit me hard and fast with it’s life force… Had to eat some almonds afterwards to balance out… Ever had a green high?? Whoooo!!!..Talk about buzzing with the Sun…
Posted on Nov 16, 2005 11:21 PM
Joe said:
I am not down 7, However I have tightened a belt notch. As they say a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
And for those of you who have not already joined the Mpower Pro series. Make that your first step. Jon is very wise. I learn at least one new thing with every audio that comes my way. And here I thought I knew it all!
Posted on Nov 18, 2005 03:55 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Gypsi:
The differences make us stronger. Focus on ‘fat’ not weight…that’s essential. Ask questions. You can do it!
To Joe:
Thank you kindly! I appreciate the kudos…keep us posted on your journey with 10 and M-Power.
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 03:06 PM
Judi said:
Jon, Today was probably the funniest one yet, big sports fan so actually understood everything and why it was so funny. Don’t understand though why McMadden would choose Farve over the oh so much cuter Brady (love the McMadden). Hope you’re not putting all your hopes though on Bledsoe been there done that.
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 04:52 PM
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