Live with it. Or perhaps take the long way home and do the hair-pluggy-Sonicare-looking-bristles-on-the-forehead-whatever….deal. Plugs, that’s it. Worked for Tom Hanks. (Didn’t he do that? I don’t read The Inquirer so my pop culture is a bit on the … what? NO. Princess Di what??….)

Too soon?

Before we get to our own rendition of the classic tune, “Look at me, I’m freakin’ bald but I still have the bangs of a 10-year-old on chemo”, let me give all the Combover Creatures out there a view tips on how to better handle their craniums:

1. Take a tip from the Brothas in da hood. The boys that know how to look cool anywhere they go (just don’t do the pants-to-the-crack bit…that’s just damn silly and makes me want to call my plumber.)
   
   SHAVE THAT - - - - OFF.
   
   Check it yo; Jordan started it. He looked in the mirror and said, “You know, I’m the best basketball player that ever lived no matter WHAT that jerk at ESPN said last night when I only scored 32 points on a broken leg. But hey man…you’re losing ya hair! Sheeeeeee (translated “Golly!”, courtesy of Airplane)…that is NOT fly! (Historians: please remember this is referencing the late 80s, so “whack”, “phat”, “indahooooouuuussssss”, and other synonyms for “good” were not invented by starving rappers as of yet. Let’s keep the timeline focused, shall we?) I think I’ll just shave that - - - - OFF. Why not? I’m richer than MC Hammer, so I can always buy more hair!
   
   Or so me thinks the story goes.
   
   So, Mike left the NBA with a legion of balding, neobalding, and not-even-close-to-balding-but-wanna-be-like-Mike, cool-looking bald black guys. Take a clue.
   
   
2. Now, I know what you’re thinking (remember the transceivers folks): “Yeah, but black guys look cool in anything.” No, no…just most things. Like most clothes. I have yet to figure this out, but put Deion Sanders in a pimp suit and he still outshines Boomer in an Armani. The only cracker to break my theory to pieces is Howie Long. Damn if he isn’t a sharp dressed fella. But come on: remember the “fro comb?” Yeah. They had their fashion set-backs, too. So go for it. Just use Patrick Stewart as your guide, and engage your razors at warp factor 9.
   
   
3. Save your pennies and do what Bill Shatner didn’t: get a quality hair…whatever. Transplant, weave, wig…just something that doesn’t look like a stray cat curled up on your gray matter hub and decided to die there. Think “tasteful”.
   
   I wish I had examples, but I don’t. All my friends have hair. I’m a hair bigot. No, I’m kidding…just turned out that way. I think Pete is bald, but I can’t tell because he’s doing the aforementioned (I’ll come up with another word for that soon) “Brotha Jordan” technique. He’s cool anyway because he’s married to Jan. Kidding Pete…you really are your own person. Swear…no really Jan, you are.
   
   
4. Even ball caps work better than doing the Follicle Flip. Most chicks are cool with the cap except in public. Most chicks are cool with the Jordan Technique. Most chicks would run from you if you did the Shatner, but the Hanks may fly. Remember: you’re doing this because you want women to dig you. Even if you’re married.
   
   Stop fooling yourself, m-kay?
   
   That’s why you’re here, too. That’s okay though, because a lot of women downright hate muscles. Welcome to your first step at becoming a true rebel. Just don’t buy a Porsche unless you really ‘do’ like Porsches. I was able to get buy with it because I have hair, and none of it is gray yet. Thank you dad, mom, and the rest of the hairy Benson family. Now, about this OTHER hair…
   
   

There you go: a non-balding man’s perspective on baldness.

Now let me tell you something else: the world of fat is now infested with something far more sinister, albeit slightly more socially acceptable.

“What, prey-tell, are you saying Jon?” I’m saying that obesity and chunkiness in general has its own version of the combover —

Fat Clothes.

Hey, we all have ‘em. Admit it. I’m wearing some of mine right now, but not because I’m “fat” but because I just WANNA. I wear very loose clothing most of the time, even when I’m ripped. Then, right when you least suspect it: BAM!! Speedos. I’m an artist and we like our stark and drastic changes.

Like the combover, fat clothes aren’t fooling anyone but yourself. Wear all black and dark gray vertical stripes until the cows start to quack and you’ll still be fat when you’re neekid. Most of your friends and co-workers will just mutter things like, “Hmmm…doesn’t he/she have any fashion sense? I mean, just because he/she is FAT, I mean…” Get it? Good. Because we’re about to turn the tables on fat clothes and use them to our advantage.

You see, we all have fat clothes, and now you know (hopefully) that they suck. Just like fat and the asunder list of “things that suck” already covered in our journey together…and I have WEEKS AND WEEKS TO GO!! Years, really, as 10 never ends.

Here’s the secret: most of us have fat clothes that are a size too small right about….now.

Here’s a great trick for discarding fat faster than Donald Trump discards the children he dates.

Today, go put on a pair of jeans that’s one size too small…or a half-size. Wear these all day. See how much less you crave food. Go ahead and dawn this ensemble with a trendy fat-clothes top so you don’t feel like an utter jackass. That’s okay in this exercise. No…really…GO. Now. I’m not typing another word until you….okay then.

How does it feel? Sucks, doesn’t it? Good! Wear them around for as long as you can, then slip into something more fatty later in the evening, like this wonderfully-lined and fashionable pair of Armani (read: Target) sweats I have on right now. I’m right there with you.

Then, put those pants on your bedrail, dresser, or if you’re really freakin’ cool, hang them from your ceiling and call it abstract art. Take them down in a week or two, and put them on again. Guess what? If you’re doing the 10, they’ll fit. In psychotherapy, this is called desensitization. It’s a trick I learned when overcoming panic disorder many moons ago. You see, we ‘fear’ those clothes. Really. They remind us of everything fat reminds us of:

Being uncomfortable.

What we used to be.

What we wish we were.

Take a stab and this and watch how fat clothes, unlike the combover — which serves no useful purpose other than Blog Fodder — can start serving your goals.

Oh, before I forget: be sure to keep your ‘current’ fat pants when you fit into the others, just for a few weeks or so. Then burn them. It’s fun to wear them around with a belt and feel really lean and healthy on your way to becoming truly lean and healthy. But burn them. That way going back is, at best, an expensive option. Think “Greek” here folks. They burned their ships when they landed on an island they wanted to conquer.

No retreat.

No capture.

No surrender.

Enjoy your new toys…and for cryin’ out loud, SHAVE THAT - - - - OFF while you’re at it guys. Food and training log later today…but I just had to share this breakthrough in fashion and dietary culture with you first. End transmission. {10}