Scaaaaaary Flames
Fat-burning flames, that is. “Scary” as in…oh, come on, you know…that satanic time of year that used to be a lot of innocent fun? Halloween? Again, who am I kidding. I just found out it was Halloween about 10 minutes ago. Time has no meaning to me. I don’t even have an alarm clock. Really.
“Does anyone really know what time it is?” (Chicago)
Yeah, Einstein, it’s 3:06.
“I’ve seen fire, and I’ve seen rain.” (James Taylor)
That’s nice…and who hasn’t, exactly?
“Oops, I did it again…” (A very silly anti-musician whose last name would be a fitting end if enough of them were tossed through her liver)
What? Wet yourself squeezing into those size 0s? Utter another monosyllable retort to a difficult question like, “So, who writes your songs for you?” Get knocked up by a rapper? WHAT?? Say it…SAY IT!!!!
Enough dripping sarcasm. I’m just wanted to wish everyone a safe Halloween. Please, keep your kids safe and hands off that candy. A bite, then trash it. I know kids like to have fun, but something about giving them the very tools that poison us as a nation just rubs me the wrong way.
I’m Ebenezer “Ekuban” Scrooge: The “Boo HumSpider!” of Halloween. Football fans and pundits will get a kick out of that.
Actual blog later tonight…promise. Cross my heart with garlic and hope to never die until my life is utterly fulfilled in purpose and mission, stick a needle in my…WHAT? Eye?? Monsters! What’s next, nursery rhymes about babies falling out of trees and dying and…
Oh…they have one like that already?
Lovely. Way to start the little tyke off with confidence there, Mr. Nursery School Masochist. The Marquis de Sade’s Favorite Beddy-Bye-Bye Stories, now available at a Pottery Barn near you.
Really, I’m surprised I have to point this stuff out.
Now, I have to laugh. {10}
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Comments (17)
Bonnie Sue said:
Happy Halloween Jon,
Are you sure you don’t have yet another side job as a comedienne because you are HYSTERICAL. You make me laugh almost as much as you make me learn and for that I thank you. Went for an hour and a half long greuling uphill hike with my sister yesterday morning. It was a perfect way to srart off a beautiful Sunday…now my ass is BURNING.
Have a great day!!!
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 03:56 PM
Sarah said:
Jon,
For a minute there I thought you were talking hockey…I live in the city of the FLAMES….Calgary, AB Canada!!
I was a fan of yours from week one of MPower. I am on week 14 now and loving it and I am one of the lucky few to have Jan as my personal trainer. She gave me some great outside workouts that include my big energetic dog.
You make me laugh out load, wouldnt be so bad but I’m usually reading this blog from work….yes, people know I am wacked too so not a surprise to hear me laughing at the computer. I also have your “Fit Over 40”…not 40 yet but 36 in a few days. Anyhow, great blog and I’m in for the 10 in 10.
Thanks for being so honest…you’re fun to hang with.
Cheers,
Sarah.
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 04:03 PM
Jon Benson said:
I just write funny. I’m actually quite drab in person. My last girlfriend found me “very un-funny”. So, I killed her. But, in my defense, she ‘was’ from Santa Barbara and loved to beat people over the head with rusty hinges.
Thanks Bonnie Sue from Cali whose ass is burning…with FLAMES OF EVIL….muhHAAAAAA….
(No, I really didn’t KILL her…it’s Evil Night, remember?)
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 04:04 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Sarah:
Nope…sorry…football is God’s Game. Never heard of…what did you call it?…”hokey?” : )
Thank you for the kind words, and I’m thrilled that you are indeed one of the lucky ones that have Jan for your M-Power Trainer! (People, buy this stuff and help me pay my water bill, or I’ll start blogging like Pat Buchanan on quaaludes.)
Really appreciate the feedback…and as I’ve said before I love Canada! Never been to Calgary, but it’s on the list.
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 04:22 PM
Vicki said:
Ok Jon,
Just wanted to say I LOVE your blog! And I’m on my first week of M Power. I have lost 14 lbs since Oct 1, with BFFM and Tom Venuto. So, I’m here for the long haul!
Anyway, just wanted to say that your Tuna Concoction is the best, and thanks for throwing in a Bronco joke! See ya soon!
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 04:46 PM
Jon Benson said:
You go Vicki…or stay, rather? : )
Great job with the fat shedding. Tom’s book is great, and M-Power will just propel you that much further.
A Bronco joke? Really? Where was that?
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 05:17 PM
Jon Benson said:
Just kidding…Eb used to play for DA BOYZ!!
I know he’s on the Bronocs now…and oh, btw…THANKS for beating the crap out of Philly yesterday. We appreciate that down here in D.
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 05:31 PM
Joe said:
Hi Jon,
I’ve been reading your blog, off and on, from week 1. I’m now finally ready to commit!
So, today was day 1 for me at the gym. I feel good….however, an old pain is making an appearance: my shoulder is hurting and feeling weak. This happened to me a year ago when I’d lost 40 lbs with BFL (most of which I’ve gained back – divorce, depression, single-parenthood, etc) I believe the term is rotator-cuff injury? I never had it checked-out – and seemed to be able to work through it. Now, I’m afraid it’s a problem that is somehow here to stay…? Any suggestions? I’m 48 this month.
BTW – very much enjoy the honesty, humor, and insight you provide.
Regards,
Joe
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 07:52 PM
Clare said:
Hi Jon
Its weigh -in day, and I’ve lost 4.5kg (9.9) lbs this week. Excuse me while I dance round the house. And no it wasn’t water and muscle, I also kept measurements and skin fold results,ate much more than I used to and drank a lot.
Life’s good.
Clare
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 07:54 PM
Kay said:
Jon,
Ok already, I purchased the MasterMeals plan on Saturday. Waiting…
I didn’t see any guarantees posted with it so I’m hoping your trainers are excellent. For the past two months I’ve managed to eat at least once a day, that’s a first in, uh… 20 years. Needless to say my metabolism is screwed up! Need help and am actually anticipating it.
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 08:24 PM
Clare said:
Hi Jon
More about camp? Here or privately?Don’t want to bore the punters.(Its Melbourne Cup Day here-horse race y’know)I’ve had a fair bit to do with camps, as one of my lads has been attending one since 1996, and now helps run it. I think celebs get both parents and kids in. Not to be too sexist, but one way to aim at mums, who after all often get the groceries, and do more of the cooking, would be to have a few celebrity chefs come along, and teach some quick light dishes. Maybe the mothers could get a reward day at the end,day spa,make over, advice on wardrobe for their new slimmer figure. Thought you should try and get some disabled athletes. I attended the Sydney Paralymics, and boy all the young people were on fire. Whenever an athlete passed by in the crowd, there’d be spontaneous applause. With famous people,you’ll never know till you ask. With a 2 yr lead in time, you oughta be able to nail a few down.Don’t the Dallas Cowboys live there?Of course once you get a couple ,the camp gets known, on Opraph whatever, the momentum builds.Hopefully the way I remember the Muppet Show with celebs queuing to get on.A couple of sites worth a look are www.youthoffthestreets.com.au, and www.discoveriescamp.com.au FR Chris Riley runs youth off the streets. He’s this lovely self effacing guy. Service learning, values training Brumbies camp are some of the interesting bits. I think there is a strong commonality between the self esteem issues obese people face, and those of street kids. A fascinating book on protective factors(things that make kids resilient) is Mark Katz-On playing a poor hand well.
Just had another thought.How about personalising to the families neighbourhood. Finding them sports teams to join,local gyms, trainers, linking them up with a local mentor. At least a folder full of this sort of local info.
On that buddy idea , how about having kids from Riding from the disabled along?
As you seemed wedded to the name Nobesity,how about thinking about the other feel I get from that name that is Noble.And all that goes with that-strong upright, tenacious, courageous compassionate.That’s me for today.I’ll think about those parents.
Clare
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 09:00 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Kay:
You mean you FELL for that?? Oh, man…I…(laughing)…wow, Internet sucker born every upgrade.
(Should I steer clear of sales?)
I’m joshing Kay: first, I emailed you personally about this. Second, well, the email deals with the “Waiting…” comment. The moment I saw that I thought, “She missed something on Mr. Email.” I’ve yet to figure out how spam filters are trying to do their jobs, but frankly they’re making mine more difficult. Can you imagine if there was, say, some dude at the post office going, “Hmmm…catalog from Macy’s…Kay won’t like that…” and trashing your mail ‘before’ you see it?
That’s what is going on at a lot of “.net” providers and Hotmail. They often spam-check your email before ‘you’ do. Kinda goofy.
So, to answer the postulates for all:
1. Yes, our trainers kick serious butt, and so does the assessment and tools that come with MasterMeals.The very best in the business, and really, all you have to do is read all the testomonies on 10 in 10. I didn’t ask ‘anyone’ to say anything about any product.
2. There’s a 30-day MBG (it’s on the M-Power sales page collecting dust), and I forgot to put it on the MasterMeals.com homepage (where I assume your purchased.)
3. Your metabolism will need a spanking, and we’ve got just the paddle waiting for you. (A painless, good spanking…and DON’T YOU GO THERE…)
Email me. We’ll do lunch. Have your people call mine. And other clichés like, “Ciao.”
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 10:27 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Joe:
Very cool…and turn that off button off mate!
Rotators…yepper. I know about that injury. Three things: first, stop all pressing without the ability to turns your palms toward your head, not away. Why? Because you all but disengage the rotators from slaving away when you do this according to my ortho. Works, too…trust me. This restricts you to dumbbell work primarily, but have no fear over the hands issues. Just look at my check and delts in the AllYourStrength.com gallery…all done without bars. No mirrors, either. Actually, yeah…there were mirrors, but NO SMOKE. (Cigars, okay, I cave…)
Second: use lighter weight and less rest. The workload will actually increase in aggregate volume, leading to more muscle, plus your joints, tendons and so-forth will thank you for it.
Example: 3 sets of 100 for 8 reps with 2 minutes of rest between each. Let’s say the work time is six minutes, but we know that’s not perfectly accurate. Close ‘nuff. We know the aggregate total is 300 pounds for 24 total reps.
Now, compare that to 8 sets of 50 with 8 reps but only 20 seconds rest between sets. The first 3-4 sets are cake. Set 5 kinda sucks. Set 6 feels like a blow torch is set to rest on your (fill muscle in here). Sets 7 and 8 are for non-girly-men only.
Aggregate workload using HALF the weight? 400 pounds in under 3 minutes, and a whopping 64 reps.
Don’t thank me…thank Vince Gironda. However, when you read 7 Minute Muscle late this year, you can thank me…I made the system quicker and even more effective. It’s actually quite different than Vince’s time-tested strategy, but Vince inspired it. Totally.
Third, here are some exercises you can start with asap to help heal the rotators. Always ask your doctor first…blah blah blah:
Rotator Cuff Repair
To Clare:
Dance away, please…and I’m betting you didn’t lose muscle. I’ve seen cases where people discard (not LOSE, remember?) 8-10 pounds of fat in a week. The issue is freaky, and it’s very, very rare, so no one get their hopes up.
To say you “didn’t lose water”…well, first of all, there’s no way you could know that. Water is 75% of your body, so unless you’re very, VERY sensitive to water loss…
Second, water loss is not a ‘bad’ thing, assuming you’re well hydrated and you are changing your eating habits for life. A lot of excess weight is water; well, a lot more than people think.
Do your dance, but please…be happy with 1 pound of sheer fat every week for as long as you live. If you can accept that, then you will succeed (even on weeks where you discard nothing….you’ll just know the week after 1.5-2.5 will fall off.)
Cool??
About camp: by email, for sure, since there’s not a blog on it. I’ll email you tomorrow.
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 10:55 PM
Joe said:
BIG THANKS! …last year I asked every “trainer” in my local gym…and got nothing that made sense to me. This does! I’ll keep you posted. (opps - posted this reply in the wrong day..)
Posted on Oct 31, 2005 11:38 PM
Jon Benson said:
Joe;
No worries mate…most trainers suck. M-Power trainers are the exact opposite…well, they don’t “blow”, which is the opposite. They rule. They know their stuff because they’ve ‘been there’. Yeah, they have the degrees (for legal reasons really), but every one of them will tell you they learned what they do best in the trenches and sweat, not in the classroom and drool on the desk.
Trainers: if you’re reading this, flame me only if you DON’T suck, and don’t give me any of your “look at the consonants behind my name” crap either. You either know your stuff or you don’t. Most of you don’t, and even fewer of you know you don’t. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this out. Fifteen years in gyms will do the trick.
Why am I being such an ass about this? Because the training world needs a swift kick there.
One more diatribe: the richest self-made man in the world never went to school for finance. The greatest teachers never went to divinity school. The greatest physicist barely made it through college and considered his time there “a limiting factor in my ability to grow.”
And, the greatest trainer? Hands-down: Vince Gironda. Whenever you get results like Vince, I’ll put your name in his place…and do it for 40 years.
You may learn in school, but you excel and master through passion, not through the approval of others or skins on your wall. I’ve met laymen who know more about medicine than 90% of the doctors in practice because (a) they’re f-n brilliant; and (b) they read a lot. Go figure…you can actually learn from reading. Hmmm.
Now, I’m not tooting MY horn. I’m not a ‘trainer’…I’m a nutritionist, lifecoach, writer, lover, historian and part-time shoebox architect. (I also make stuff up.) But Joe’s question was very simple for ‘anyone’ who has had a lot of training experience and/or experience helping others. I have no certifications for training. I learned the exercises on that link I gave Joe from one of the few ‘good’ trainers out there, my friend Ramsey. I learned the palms-in trick by asking and reading…and testing.
That’s how you learn: not by attending classes, using recall (the lowest form of learning) to pass a test, and then handing dumbbells off for a living. I have two degrees, but I learned more about music and philosophy by reading and playing on my own than I ever did in college.
Great trainers, and you KNOW who you are: God bless you. This industry needs you, and so do the people you’re helping daily.
Crappy trainers: they’re always hiring at the post office. You will not be able to rely on superior genetics (which few even realize they have), so good luck with that whole sorting gig.
Posted on Nov 01, 2005 12:36 AM
Shashin Patel said:
Say Jon, wut changes should a sub-clinical hypothyroid person make when calculating his daily energy requirements (TDEE).
Posted on Nov 02, 2005 10:49 AM
Jon Benson said:
Hi Shashin;
A sub-clinical hypothyroid person should TAKE ARMOUR THYROID. : ) Well, at least talk it over with your doc. That’s a serious condition; I know because I am.
Calories: once the thyroid is adjusted, use 10-15x bodyweight as a rough start.
Posted on Nov 02, 2005 11:01 PM
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