Spank me
I know, I’m really opening myself to a whirlwind of comments with that title, but I could think of nothing more appropriate that was also funny, highly provocative, and would boost my Google ratings by a good 4%.
I’ve been a bad boy and I demand to be punished. Where’s a dominatrix when you need on? Geez. You’d think I live in Amishtown, Pennsylvania or something.
Oh, fear not, it isn’t what you think…pervert.
Just to set the record straight — that stuff really bores me. The “games people play in the middle of the ni-iight” stuff. You know what? I think these “S&M is, like, really cool…but that’s because we have no clue who the Marquis de Sade was, or even that the “S” in “S&M” stems from a grammatical incarnation of de Sade’s name” folks must be (a) really bored, or (b) just doing something really really wrong.
But hey now — this blog isn’t about sex, toys, or literal spankings (Holy Vishnu Batman! Those hits are going through the roof!) This is about the need for true confession, and my giving you another 10-in10 secret. It’s a biggie. It’s crucial to your success. It’s so important you should stop what you’re doing right now and read these words. That’s how important this is. Really, really important stuff.
Very, very important.
(Spank me?)
NO, no no…none of that. This is really freakin’ urgent, important and you must read this now.
See? Now you know how I feel when listening to John “I Think I Might Have Eaten Wisconsin For Dinner, Al…Should I Call Brett Favre (that’s pronounced FARVE) For A Stomach Pump?” McMadden on Monday Night Football. Last mention of that…as far as you know.
Spanky, spanky…read all about it.
My Yahweh, I’m in need of some serious therapy.
Okay 10ers, here’s the deal: I messed up this week, and I wanted to share with you why and how so you don’t repeat my mistake. It’s a mistake I’ve made before, but I’m giving myself a break because frankly I’m a bit rusty when it comes to living the life of a bodybuilder. It’s been a while, and I succumbed to one of the most common “oops” I see in my lifecoaching practice and in most people’s daily grind�I let life do the planning.
My nutrition? Spot-on since my break to NYC. Even then it wasn’t bad. I was quite pleased, actually.
My training, on the other hand, has bit the big one. Ceased to be. Took a hike on the Nowhere Freeway. Bye-bye birdie. And other crappy sentences. Too.
First of all, let me explain what I mean by letting life do the planning. I am a huge proponent of scheduling life. Too many people let their schedules just “appear” out of thin air, much like the silly assertion that Survivor is a “good” show and not something that deserves to be spat upon frequently.
This is largely due to misplaced Core Values.
A Core Value is something that you place at the pinnacle of your life’s “important” list. Stuff you’d live and die for, like freedom, love, God, family, creativity, expression, integrity, etc. All of this is covered extensively in M-Power, which I will continue to link until every single one of you and at least three people you know are members. It’ll put hair on your chest (or remove hair from your chest…or just not bother your chest at all. It’s that flexible.)
So, let’s say Homer J. Simpson (just a name I made up…nothing to increase my Google exposure or anything like that) decides he wants to…let’s see…stop eating DO’OH nuts and lose some weight for his loving wife, Marge Simpson — another name I just dreamed up out of thin (spank me) air. Homer starts off like a lot of us with good intentions, but sooner or later he lets his job at the near-by nuclear power plant (fiction) get the better of his schedule. And, get this — it all starts during the first five minutes of Homer’s day.
The same is true for you. Just like that old saying, “A woman knows if she’s going to eventually sleep with you within the first five minutes,” which I’ve found to be partially true under normal circumstances and completely fictional when there is money involved, the first five minutes of your day can determine the success or failure of all your Core objectives.
The day doesn’t mess around. You never see the sun lagging about, having a cigarette and some coffee, and slowly dragging it’s hot little butt out of bed, do you? No way — that fiery sucker just keeps on coming up. Since the day isn’t lazy, and you’re a part of the day — ah? Yeah, that sucked. Let’s try something else there…
Take a lesson from Mr. Sun — get up and get it done.
Well, crap — all of a sudden I can’t think of anything clever to say. Perhaps I need a McMadden Happy Meal.
Just plan your day in your mind during the first five minutes after waking up. See your life and your schedule as you want it to unfold and mentally move things around to make it happen. There. That was boring, but efficient.
It’s not just the first five minutes — the entire first half-hour is critical. That’s when a lot of you snooze. Stop it. Plan the day. Seize the day. Rue the day. Make the day. May the day. Just do it…day. Plan your workout as an appointment with yourself that you cannot break. Let’s say you had an appointment with Donald Trump, star of the hit TV show, The Apprentice. (Google me.) Would you blow him off? Would you keep the Donald waiting around in his gold-plated office just fiddling with his gold pen as he scribbles funny hangman cartoons in gold ink? No…you’d be there on time, even a few minutes early just in case the Donald wants to chat about the condition of the rain forests in Brazil and how gold-plating them may actually save the rare Spotted MC Hammer Owl. Doubtful, but one never knows.
So, let’s just get this straight — you’re saying Donald Trump is more important than you are. Well…okay, he’s probably more “important” in a socioeconomic sense, but he’s certainly not in any other. Your health, your schedule and your workout is more important than any meeting, any task or any project you have on your daily agenda.
See, I know this stuff. I practice this stuff. I just blew it this week in all things regarding this stuff…and I will correct that immediately.
I let my schedule drive me. I let the day slip right though my fingers like sand — the really gold sand that’s kinda been in the shade a bit and not so hot to where you need beach towels just to hobble into the ocean only to wonder, “God, how am I going to get a drink without burning the bajeeezus out of my feet?” until you spot Julio the beach bartender and everything is okay again…except the sand I was originally talking about is non-okay sand but still luke-warm at best.
Have I mentioned my need for therapy? (spank me)
So, here we are. It’s Wednesday, and no workouts are logged this week for Jon. Monday was not a planned day, but it should have been. Back from NYC with 1,000 emails is no excuse to miss my girly-man training session, especially when my gym is about 50 feet below me. Tuesday was going to be the day — then the day took on a schedule all by its little lonesome. You know the feeling? Yeah, me too. All of a sudden it was nighttime and I was a goner. Today was a repeat of yesterday, with the addition of a nice cold front that moved in from the northeast at about 7 miles per hour, with a wind-chill factor of about 10 degrees. There’s a slight chance of rain as you can see from the Doppler behind me….
(1-800-SEEKASHRINK. Someone dial that for me. I’m typing right now.)
The reason? Training was not the first, second or even third thing on my mind upon rising. Training was not the first thing I scheduled in my daily calendar. Training was not put on the same priority level as tasks that, in the long run, will mean 1/100th as much to my welfare, fulfillment, and super-duper abs. In short, I made a boo-boo.
Spank me.
No, wait…don’t spank me. I have verbally spanked myself (kindly, gently, and with just a hint of cinnamon), forgave myself, and decided to lecture you on the subject for cathartic reasons. And, yeah, to help you out. This is really serious — plan the day, or it will plan you. Read this and then print it out, circle it, and paste it to your spouse’s back with “Kick Me” written underneath it for no reason whatsoever:
Every failure in life let something other than his or her own directed will plan their lives for them.
Don’t be one of those people…or I’ll have to spank you.
Look for my workout in tomorrow’s blog. I’m remembering how to be a bodybuilder again, and you know what? It’s a lot of fun despite the occasional spank me slap in the face.
One more thing — some of you have asked about NYC and the bodybuilding show, so I’ll give you a brief description of what a bodybuilding contest is usually like:
Go in the bathroom and strip down to your undies. Now, picture yourself with no hair anywhere except your head and body fat so low that Texas summers would seem frigid. Picture in your mind and nasal cavity the smell of “stadium floor meets taxi cab Middle Eastern air freshener” and multiply that by a factor of 10. Remember the feeling of being in a room with someone completely obsessed with him/herself and multiply that by 172. Now, add in (a) the worst piece of R&B music on earth, or (b) the cheesiest death metal song on earth, or, on rare occasion, (c) a song that just sucks for no other reason other than it was created ‘to’ suck. Make sure you turn that music up in your head nice and loud…but with really crappy speakers.
Just when you start to think, “My god, this is the 6th Inner Circle of Hades…and I thought I was a good Baptist”, be sure to include the conspicuous lack of real breast tissue, a lot of unnecessary screaming toward specific body parts which are on display, and an audience that consists mostly of the exact same thing biologically-speaking except they’re each about 20-30 pounds fatter and slightly more egocentric.
Then pay $50 to witness something that’s judged by guys without a standard frame of reference who are 20-30 pounds fatter and even more egocentric than those in the audience, and there you have a “bodybuilding contest.”
Now, I love bodybuilding as a sport/hobby/whatever you want to call it. I really loved bodybuilding in the 70s — back when you could literally tell one physique from the next, and guys actually took more recreational drugs than bodybuilding drugs. What a concept. (I do neither, but that was funny. Spank. Me.)
Nowadays, a bodybuilding show is usually one of two things: an endless series of identical pharmaceutical beef cabinets that weeble, wobble and occasionally fall down and die, or a contest to see who can emaciate themselves the most while still having the energy to put on a fake tan before collapsing backstage and devouring the falsely-bronzed arm of the person next to them out of sheer survival instinct.
Skinny guys with little muscles or big muthas with little brains, testicles and boobies. It’s your choice.
That being said, there are good shows out there, or so I’m told. Tom Venuto and I had this discussion in NYC. He loves shows; I really detest them. He says they keep him motivated; I say they make me want to emulate a straight Ted Bundy who’s been drinking too much and just got audited.
In short, bodybuilding shows suck.
Bodybuilding itself is a total blast.
The irony is that I ‘may’ (repeat, then spank me) MAY do a bodybuilding show next year. Why? Well, after that glowing endorsement, who could blame me? Actually I’d do it to inspire a greater level of conditioning…and just to say I did it. Plus, I’d bring a whole new dimension to the dismal music scene that’s lurking like the Cookie Monster on Snackwell Street at every one of these harmonically listless shindigs.
Oh, the fun I’d have. Picture me posing to a “Books On Tape” clip featuring Richard Harris reading a passage from Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra. This would be mixed with the ever-so-cheery Nine Inch Nails ditty “Pinion” as an underscore — just the same drone repeating over and over again. This inventive cocktail of sonic suicide would eventually form a tumor-like growth of surreal, existential, nihlistic preponderance.
Brand Spanking New Addition To This Blog!!
Out of morbid curiosity, I actually put this piece of…er…yeah…together for you. I’m THAT committed to the vision of forever changing bodybuilding, posing music, and people’s brainwaves — I mean like forever and ever, amen forever. Below is 49 seconds in Hell with Sir Richard Harris reading from that whacko Friedrich Nietzsche’s Thus Spoke Zarathustra, made complete with the Nine Inch Nails’ masterpiece of futility, Pinion.
If you start seeing things, dial 911:
I think you get the general idea now.
At some point, the entire mentally-challenged audience would lob protein bars at me. However, slowly but surely, they would begin to really think, possibly for the first time in their lives. “Does bodybuilding exist only because I perceive its existence? Can I say for absolute certainty that I myself exist outside of bodybuilding’s contextual construct?”
Eventually people would start to flee, panic would ensue, and I would win all weight classes and the overall trophies (men, women, figure, fitness and tuxedo) by default.
How freakin’ cool. I bet you wish you’d thought of that. Yeah. I know you do. You can’t lie to me. Punk.
Did I mention my borderline frantic need for immediate psychiatric attention?
Oh, check this: the chairs we sat in for 16 f-n hours were made of wood — wood! That’s a swell idea for a high school auditorium where kids are supposed to sit, already bored as hell, and pay attention. Bloody ingenius I tell you. Yeah, wood. My butt hurt worse than Richard Simmons after a…
oh, goodness gracious, even I know when to quit.
Now, before I call it a night — spank me. {10}
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Comments (26)
Elizabeth said:
“Don’t be one of those people…or I’ll have to spank you” ?!?!?
“ooooohhhh, I’m one of those people - spank ME!!!” ala Holy Grail scene from Castle Anthrax…
ahhh, OK, I guess you had to be there. Seriously, though, anybody else remember the five P’s??
Pisspoor
Planning
Produces
Pitiful
Performance
I posted a couple weeks back regarding a day where Life scheduled *me* - so I’m not perfect…yet. I fully acknowledge the need to plan my meals and workouts WITH THE GOAL IN MIND (Jon, I never tried m-power, but I know the WHY has to be omnipresent)
Nowadays I always have a fully loaded gym bag in the car and keep a clean meal (or two) in the freezer at work …
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 05:00 AM
Clare said:
Hey Jon,
Just curious ,do these blogs get longer on days you don’t make it to the gym? What’s that? somewhere to put all that energy? guilt? oh I know projecting it on to us conscientious exercisers. I am having a day off cos you said i could.ha gotcha. I actually started my ride but my trusty steed saw to it I was home in under 10 minutes by slipping its chain. Probably for the best as this virus has my head spinning like a top. And of course now i have company. The whole family’s got it. Even took my lads to volunteering with me,just to have the recipient be a no show. Still pleasant break in the day.
I feel i should point out MacDonalds is a choice. Do you have nutrition in schools there? My son won’t let me buy chocolate biscuits anymore, following his lessons. And they learn to make healthy snacks. They’ll spend the afternoon making celery sticks,just amazing. Especially for a kindergartener (6 yo)
Been very jealous of your weather lately, actually everyone in the northern hemisphere. This 90% humidity by 9am get some getting used to. seem to be wandering .put it down to the drugs.Oh I’ve lost another kilo, making that 6 kg in all,what’s that 13.2lbs I think? pretty cool. I’d dance but i think i’ll make do with a smug look,dancing’s way beyond me right now. Keep at it everyone. Hope to back at it again real soon.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 06:22 AM
Lisa said:
Hey Spanky
“Did I mention my absolute need for immediate psychiatric attention?”
You read my mind…stop that
You are nuts!!!and you freaking crack me up!!!
the ‘sand’ thing killed me
Ive been taking the coconut oil for about 2 days….had a killer boxing workout last night and its the first time Ive felt like Ive released fat in hmmmm…about 2 weeks…see I get to this point all the time…I just need to keep this ride in drive….no more coasting on the downhill…nice steady even keel…with an occaisional peddle to the metal, blow your socks off, kick you fanny kinda workout….God I love those.
Jon, I think we would be so good together cause my problem is the eating part….I get to the gym pretty faithfully….I love it(well maybe slacking lately cause this thing we call life is getting in my way) OK OK!!!
I will not let life just happen I will plan.
someone once said to me that eating is 95% of the equation and I realized that it is actaully 100% but training is also 100% …its 200% total!!! or something like that.
I love the whole bodybuilding description and it is right on…. I do have a huge passion for it..its hard to find any one who can stand stilling thru a show…so somewhere along the way I lost touch and the passion slowly slipped away…see its hard to find people to hang with that are passionate about bodybuilding, who arent….how do I say this?! totally narcisistic, obsessed, on some psych med and spending most of their money on supplements.
Ok off to plan my day!!!
smooch
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 07:49 AM
Alyson said:
As much as we ALL might want to spank you from time to time :)…(no, not like that, pervert)…for your reaching out and spanking US from time to time, consider this: Tuesday, one of the days you did not work out, and as one reader pointed out, you may have directed that excess-energy into blogging and answering some of those 1000 emails (mine included :)… Well, Tuesday was a day-from-hades for me. Despite planned meals, planned workout, within the first hour my day was totally derailed by extraneous circumstances (began with a hostile phone call from my internet provider informing me they were shutting off my service…this DESPITE just getting off the phone with the morons 15 minutes earlier and clearing up THEIR f—ked-up billing faux-pas….and went decidedly down the slippery slope from there). By mid-afternoon I was a blithering, sobbing pile of ‘why-me’ victim-hood.
Anyway, after a cheery call from a dear friend that broke through the mental fog I was in, and a cathartic bowling night-out with the girls (I SUCKED big-time by the way, but made the choice to laugh hysterically instead of stomp, bitch and moan, as I might have), I came home and read your 10-in-10 blog. Your response to my email, and two words basically, changed my whole outlook on the day. ‘Vibes, baby.’ I swear, all this M-Power stuff is starting to gel in my mind….at least a seed of gel (pretty sure gel doesn’t HAVE seeds, but you know what I mean) has been planted. You may deserve to be spanked for being a slacker this week, but because you were NOT a slacker in the area of caring for and responding to your reader(s), you helped change someone’s outlook/day for the better. Thank you Jon….and as much as I might like to spank you on another occasion, I’d much prefer to give you a hug right now!!
Some days sh-t happens and days/plans get derailed. This also gave you the opportunity to model for us the desired response: self-forgiveness and immediately taking action to fix what ain’t workin’….
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 07:59 AM
Alyson said:
PS. You got out of NY just in time!! THE SNOW IS STARTING TO FLY…..
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 08:02 AM
Tammy said:
Ok Jon, bend over. I’ll spank you. Well maybe not, you might enjoy it too much and never get a workout in!! Anyway, thanx for letting me know you are human, although sometimes I wonder just how much you like those monkeys. Sorry, reading your blogs everyday is starting to rub off a little. I tend to sway to the sarcastic side myself. I have not been consistant with my efforts in the past 2 weeks and felt ashamed to blog. So spank me. Please. I did fall down the stairs while visiting my parents last weekend bruising my butt, hip, straining my L rotator cuff and L IT Band. Heaven forbid I stay healthy and injury free for more than a couple of weeks! I have been keeping up on the blogs and am very disciplined with the M-Power, an awesome program for everyone and anyone who wants to LEAD a life in every aspect with quality, abundance, passion and the Power to accomplish all the values (Core Values) placed as being high priority to make it an exciting and fulfilling journey while living on this big blue marble. Just a note of gratitude and thankfullness for your program, Jon.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 08:31 AM
Tammy said:
Oh, yeah. I also wanted to thank the other bloggers for your questions, comments and insights, too. Yes, Elizabeth, I have heard of the 5 P’s, but a long time ago so thanx for the reminder. I will write it down this time. I have been having an extremely hard time getting myself to plan out my day and writing it down, choosing to just keep it in my head and flying by the seat of my pants, relying on my memory and ability to prioritize. WRONG! What is the problem? I will have to take that to therapy….but I think part of it is that I would be holding myself more accoutable for accomplishing everything because of not having the excuse that I forgot. And also I put such high expectations on myself that if I don’t complete everything I had written down and planned for the day I would feel like a failure. Writing and planning puts it into reality and consciousness and I guess I don’t always like to be there. This is a HUGE obstacle for me right now so if you have any suggestions I would appreciate it. As always the timing of your blog is perfect. More on Favre (pronounced FARVE because of all the beer drank before, during and after the Packer games. I do live in Wisconsin and am a die-hard Packer fan. We have to be die-hard) later. Make it a great day everyone! Tammy
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 08:40 AM
Kristy said:
*****SPANK!!!*****
There. Feel better? ;)
I had a perfect day of eating yesterday. I planned it out and ate my plan. I bought a great big plastic tub of prewashed organic salad mix and I’m going to eat at least one big salad every day until it’s gone (and then I’ll buy another one.) I also got my workout in this morning as much as I didn’t want to get out of bed at 5 am. I do best if I get my workout out of the way first thing in the morning so it’s out of the way. It really gets me in the fitness mindset for the rest of the day. Tomorrow I’m going to Disneyland so I’ll be on my feet all day. Should be fun with my sore muscles.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 09:56 AM
Brian said:
Hi Jon, this entry finally prompted me into participating. I totally understand on scheduling life. I have found through painful trial and error that if my gym time isn’t on my calendar, it doesn’t happen. Also, your description of the bodybuilding show was positively hilarious. I’ve only been to a couple of them but they are very ‘unique’ experiences. Everybody smiles but nobody seems to be having any fun. Anyway, thanks for kicking me into action instead of just reading the blog. Hope you enjoy another nice cool, clear Dallas day.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 10:28 AM
Cherie said:
Jon,
I had decided in advance after reading all the blogs above not to sucumb, but I couldn’t help it..
SSSSSSSSSSS……..MAK.
I needed a good forearm workout today, you were just in the wrong place at the right time.
Actually thanks for your thoughts, I agree that as the day wears on if the workout isn’t planned from the start it gets shuffled to the “next day”. My solution is to plan to do it at the same time each day, I pick a hour with a rhyme. Such as “I will walk 3 miles @ 3pm” or I will lift 1 hour @ 1pm” etc. It plants it in my mind, because I’ve realized that if I start a project and keep putting it off untill dark (5pm in the winter) it’s all over.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 11:49 AM
Julius said:
Well, this morning was a perfect example of letting the first five minutes of my day plan the rest of it: ka-thunk… ka-thunk… nail in the tire of my truck (didn’t mean to rhyme there… but I’ll go with it).
This little nail caused the following events to occur:
1. Not one but two new rear tires… unexpected expense and two hours late coming into work.
2. The time that I made it into work, is the time that I usually leave work to hit the gym (today would be a cardio/crunch combo day). So… I would go after work… however…. (BUM BUM BUUUUMMMMMMMM)
3. Electrician is coming to the house to install some new ceiling fans and fixtures (trust me… this would be my last post if I tried to attempt that feat myself).
So…this little nail in my tire has upset my workout, but most likely is perfectly happy that it succeeded in its task to puncture. Nail - 1… Julius - 0
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 11:56 AM
Kenny said:
Jon….you’re killin me…uh-oh, better watch my self talk.
But, the Favre (pronounced Farve)reference just makes me LOL everytime.
It’s ALL good! ! !
Kenny
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 12:30 PM
Elisa said:
Jon, oohhhh you so asked for it with this one now didn’t you ;-)?
Not the spanking type myself so I will let the others….. indulge ;-). At any rate, I can relate to this. Scheduling for me, particularly for meals used to be left to wherever the day sort of took me.
I, for the most part, have remedied this challenge by setting an obnoxious sounding alarm on my Blackberry that reminds me that I must a) eat and b) workout. I suppose you could hit dismiss in any case but the chime is enough to guilt me if I haven’t gotten ready to go to the gym or if I am past a meal time.
Tammy, I had the same issue as you with writing things down. Interestingly, I would write it down and then IGNORE it. Silly! So I reflected and figured out that the goals I set weren’t realistic for how I lived my life. For instance, I had myself running in the morning and then going to the gym. I am NOT a morning person. I know this is a choice and something that could be shifted but frankly, I do some of my best thinking, planning and reflection early in the day. I get physically jazzed up later in the day.
So, I decided to manage my energy and my time. When am I best at doing the things that are important to me? This isn’t a luxury everyone has but it worked for me. When I can’t stick to the schedule that best works for me energetically (like running a race in the early morning or running a long run early because my boyfriend’s kids are with us). I use the “what is it worth to you?” principle. This goes to my core value of determination and integrity (self and otherwise). I ask myself, “What is it worth to you to honor your commitment to your personal integrity (walking the talk)? What is it worth to you to remain determined despite the circumstances?”
When I choose the right time of day for what I want to accomplish and put it in the calendar with that obnoxious chime as back up, I can usually complete it all. The key is being realistic and asking yourself why you are unwilling to be fully accountable. For me, I already had too many other things going on so adding more felt like a burden, plus the time of day, etc.
Lately, around lunch time, I start thinking about how jazzed I will be at the gym at 6p or how much ass I will kick in spinning class (I like to keep up with the instructor to stretch my pace - I know, a bit obsessive ;-))and I start to get this excitement about the workout that simply won’t let me miss it - sort of like going to a concert or meeting a friend. By the time 6p rolls around, I am jazzed to go. This has not always been the case. I could find 101 reasons why I should do more work, email a client, call a friend, paint my toenails, etc.
Not sure if this helps, let’s face it. We are all overcome by events at one time or another. That’s the beautiful contrast of life. How would we know the exhilarating feeling of accomplishment unless we missed it a couple of times…..
Jon, thanks for being so transparent, human and DAMNED funny about your journey. It certainly lightens the load for us all and provides the space for all of us to learn, reflect and be human.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 12:32 PM
Lori said:
Hey Jon. Read your blog today first thing in the morning. I had my day planned and agree that is the only way to get it done. I don’t even allow myself to think of excuses to not work out because I can think of a million of them and I always win..or lose..against myself (weird). Anyway, I was planning on running 5 miles on the treadmill and as soon as I got to the gym, my MP3 player broke. There is no way in hell I can run without music, so I thought of just going home. Then I thought of your blog today and worked chest and biceps. A good solid workout. Not cardio, but I will make up for that tomorrow. I know if I would not have read your blog today when I woke up that I would have just gone home. So thanks. I feel alot better about myself now.
One more thing. Do you think your trip to NY to train with superman next year could be interfering with your desire to give it your all now? I know if I have goals set in the future, I tend to relax now, thinking “when such and such time gets here I am really gonna kick some ass…” Or maybe you are more the type to clean your house before the maid comes so that she won’t see what a slob you are. Any thought?
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 12:41 PM
anna said:
Hello
Since we are expressing ourselves in this blog I figure I will just tell it like it is for me today.
I don’t feel like spenking anybody but I feel like KICKING SOMBODY’S ASS TODAY
I have no idea why but people today just bother me and i have absolutely no patience towards “stupid questions” that they aske me or better yet the names that they have that you can’t pronounce but if you try your hardest they correct you because how incompetned can you be?
Do you know what i mean?
I should request a punching bag in the gym to get my frustration out!!!
on top of that i have done the stupidest thing that i could possibly do thinking that maybe that will lift me up a bit.
I have stepped on the scale and …. I really don’t understand - I eat clean , i exercise religiously 5 times a week, sometimes 6 - what the heck is wrong!!
Despite all of that, i am going to do my cardio now and hope that this will help me and i will ask the people in the gym to measure my BF and see what will happen.
My jean feel no different but i notice a change in my chest and my legs but the stupid abdomen and inner thighs are still the same..
I feel like putting my head through this computer and start screaming for help or miracle or something I DON’T KNOW!!!!
So there you have it-it is not a blog on my part but a vent - i hope you don’t mind.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 01:17 PM
Cherie said:
Anna,
May I make a suggestion?
When you feel angry, try Kick-boxing for your cardio. In my class is a “regular” who is EXPLOSIVE! I asked her where her energy comes from and she told me that she imagined the person in front of her fist was the person who had pissed her off that day.
As to trying and not seeing results..been there..currently trying hard not to be there…IT SUCKS MAJOR!
But, by getting angry about it instead of depressed about it will at least bring energy to the situation, to allow you to keep trying to figure out your IM-MPOWERED personal path. Personally I have nothing but time being out with an injury, so I’m going to go through my work out and diet logs for the past 3 months and try to see patterns that I can improve on. I’m going to keep an open mind so I don’t miss anything. I have also been listening to MPOWER on my I-pod throughout the day to really think about this all again. Every time I listen I come up with a new thought. I think that what is great about the program is that it is so much more that fitness info, it really causes you to think on a different level. Sort of like any thought provoking book, I’m sure that I will get something out of it for years to come. Priceless!
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 01:52 PM
Jon Benson said:
To All:
I really asked for this, didn’t I? : )
To Elizabeth:
“Oh, I know…’tisn’t a good name.” Now me, myself and I…I’d retire to Castle Anthrax any old year. : ) (There’s not a MP line you can toss by me…they rule.)
There’s a sixth “P” for men. I just forget what it is.
Now, be a good girl and “DO”, not ‘try’, M-Power. Come this afternoon, there will be a pretty M-Power logo glaring you in the face most of the time. Looking forward to the new “10” look being unveiled.
You guys might not care, but we design weirdos do. This is Webby material, man…yeah. Heh.
To Clare:
1. Blog time does not increase on non-gym days, considering I usually blog around 2am. However, the observation proves that you’re very intelligent and should have been on the Michael Jackson jury.
2. McDonald’s sucks. End of story. It’s a POOR choice for any sane person to make unless you want a McSalad with Grilled McChicken. Even then, I really couldn’t say if the McChicken is real or not…god/buddha/vishnu/tetc. knows it’s not grass-fed or organic. Plus, some of this is ethical: I just refuse to support a company whose sole mission in life is to make a buck off of pandering to children’s palettes and bad parenting skills. Rant JUST BEGINNING… : )
3. No, we have “health class”, which teaches you all the techniques for learning how to skip health class. This is the class that coaches get dumped in because we pay our teachers $2.20/hr and whip them during lunch. Seriously, there’s nothing quite like hearing Coach Russell, a complete ass with a mind like a rusted trap, rattle off truisms like, “You really got to eat RIGHT. You ARE what you EAT. So…here’s the FOOD PYRAMID. Figure it out. Test on Friday. Now, ‘scuse me while I scratch my testicles.”
4. Kudos on the fat shedding!! Keep it up girl.
To Lisa:
Oh, I have no problem training. In fact, THAT is the easy part for me usually. Everyone just has to keep in mind that (a) I’m still waking in quicksand when it comes to my normal training routine; and (b) it really is ‘rust’…and I’m sandblasting that rust off today.
To Alyson:
All about the VIBES…and I mean that from a scientific point of view. Come this afternoon, there will be a pretty M-Power logo staring you in the face all the time…ha! Seriously, MP covers The Law of Attraction (in 4 audios there) really hammers that home. I’m really glad it’s helping, especially considering some days are just harder than others — but those can be the best days on earth with a tweak here or there.
To Tammy:
Thank you so much for the kind words about M-Power. There’s some rotator exercises on my AllYourStrength.com website that you should check out. Feel free to blog no matter what!!
To Kristy:
Perfection does not exist…you had an “ideal” day. : ) Way to go on that! Now, let’s all have an “ideal life”, eh?
To Brian:
THANK GOD…A PENIS!! (Same words were uttered by John McMadden I’m sure on more than one occasion.) Don’t get me wrong ladies, I love ya, but I was missing MY HOME BOYS (emphasis on “boys”…er…”men”) and some TESTOSTERONE INJECTIONS (read: male posts to this insanity of mine.)
Is that a large enough hint to all you guys to BLOG?? If not, I’ll kill you all.
Now, Brian — thank you for participating. Happy to have you man! It’s a great day in Dallas; a bit cool (50s) but beautiful. Bodybuilding is a quagmire of stuff, eh? Keep scheduling those workouts. Mine is scheduled for 4:30pm. It’s 4:00pm. Ramping up!
To Cherie:
If you do the motion correctly, it’s more of a medial deltoid/lat workout, unless you’re gripping that paddle too tight. : )
To Julius:
This is where “searching the Core”, one of the latter weeks of M-Power, comes in handy. During these blurbs of chaos, ask really good questions. “What can I do to train while all of this is happening?” (Pushups off the side of the car if you have to!; stomach crunches while standing, etc.) “How can I use this time to effectively move closer to my goals?” That’s a great way to move without moving. Then, refocus and continue. Turn the bumps into city titties. : )
To Kenny:
The only Kenny I know that’s dying is on South Park. : )
To Elisa:
Thank you for sharing an excellent blog! And, thanks for the kind words…great stuff there, folks, Read and absorb…
To Lori:
A big absolutely not to your very perceptive and intelligent question, so thanks for asking that — not just for me, but for the group.
I just don’t “do” that — however, I “do” other things. First of all, I have to be in top shape to even TRAIN with Ritchie in NYC! Seriously. If I’m not near my best, I’ll get my ass kicked.
Second, the reasons were really what I spelled out — lack of planning and forethought. Out of practice with the lifestyle. It will come back quickly, just like the nutrition did…and the nutrition came back better than ever! I expect nothing less from the gym.
I mess up the house before the maid comes over, much to the dismay of my roommate.
To Anna:
1. This is a direct order: take your scale to the tallest building and THROW THAT F—-ING THING OFF (just make sure no one is around unless you want to be put in jail.)
2. How long did it take you to get in the condition you’re in? Now, how long have you been doing 10-in-10? What’s the difference? A LOT. Please, give this time.
3. Most people will get a bit worse before they get better, but then BAM…they get a lot better kinda quickly.
4. These are RESULTS…just not the results you want. Therefore, analyze them as such and make modifications. Adjust your LifeAssess MasterMeals with your trainer (if you are on this program.) Or, fiddle around and simply eat a bit less each meal.
5. Please try and vent without violent thoughts…seriously. As much as I joke around here about people, bear in mind that I’m (really) a humorist and a fitness guy, so it’s just in fun. Negative and angry emotions cause a cascade of hormonal responses that can just make matters worse.
6. Finally, hug yourself. Sounds silly. Do it. Just say, “Hey, it’s okay…I know you’re trying to protect me, but there’s no need. I need to release this fat now.” I dare you — I really do dare you. I dare anyone. The results of these little conversations with yourself can be…well, dramatic to say the least.
To Cherie:
Thanks for some great feedback! And, I’m thrilled to hear that I’m blaring in your ears. : ) M-Power on iPods is like…hmmm…greatness!
Back to work, all…
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 04:10 PM
janine hill said:
Jon , you do realise that your blogs will now be filtered in Iran :) Not that you may care but that is where I first started getting your emails so I am glad I am back home.
Now I have to ask , I am feeling much better but one ear is still really blocked and one slightly , can I go back to training like this or should I wait until it has cleared , I am slightly more tired than usual but as I said feeling much much better than I was and I am going for some vitamin C today.
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 05:06 PM
Kay said:
Jon,
I have a great idea for a publicity appearance for you, better than Oprah. (ok my last dig on TV talkshows, swear)
Seriously though as I was driving past Gold’s Gym today I thought, Jon could come here like maybe in January or February when Dallas weather is draining him and do a seminar. Alittle bit of fitover40, LifeAssess, 10in10 and MPower. You could be selling your stuff like crazy, visiting an old friend and meeting a new one, uh… me of course.
Yup I think it’s a brilliant idea, and you?
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 05:28 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Janine:
Really? Iran, eh?
Did I mention how I think all women should have the right to wear whatever clothing they deem “moral”, the right to speak in public, and the right to kick militant leaders in the wee-wee zone?
There. Now I’ll be SURE and get filtered in Iran.
At least I spelled it correctly, unlike our beloved leader. Missed it by ONE letter…”q”.
Heh.
If you don’t have a fever, a good workout that’s not too long or too intense would be just fine, I bet.
Welcome home, btw. ; )
Oh, P.S. If this blog is the only thing that gets me in trouble, I’d be surprised.
To Kay:
Let’s see…reach 10 million people or reach 1,000 muscleheads…hmmm…let me think…. : )
I do a lot at gyms, but my goal is to reach those who are not ‘in’ the gym; who think the gym is a place for “muscleheads”, or who are mentally so disempowered that they cover themselves up in public, never speak, and never kick anyone in the gonads.
Refer to my previous response for that to make sense.
Hey, I’m flattered by the ideas…keep them coming!
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 05:47 PM
Elisa said:
Anna:
Jon’s direction on self-talk is nothing short of amazing.
I had a session with Jon early on in my weight loss efforts. I was angry because I’d gotten some very unfortunate nutrition advice (hence why I sought out Jon) and was resigned to not losing the fat. I was not only angry, I was hostile. Jon I am SURE you remember this session.
Nothing was working according to me. I was getting no results. My body was betraying me. I was pissed! Jon talked me off the bridge with a little tough love and some of the same direction he’s given you here.
I didn’t believe it would work but I tried it anyway. I started by apologizing to my body for all I’d put it through. The experience made me cry. Then, before every workout I would say, “Burn fat, I know you can. Burn it, burn it, burn it. We don’t need it.”
I lost an inch in one week without losing a pound. The next week, I lost two pounds. Today, before each set I say to my body, “I love you. You are a fat burning, ass kicking body.” I can’t tell you how well this has served me.
I know this is hard to hear right now because you feel so upset and dejected. Jon makes such a great point about hormones. Being the used-to-be forever skeptic, I doubted his comments on this until I lived them for myself.
I think everyone here has been where you are or will be where you are at some point. The scale is hell. I gave mine to Goodwill. The only use I have for a scale now is at the gym to make sure I don’t dehydrate too badly after a run. Other than that, FORGET IT.
I feel for you. I’ve been where you are. Take a chance on loving your body - on getting it on your “team”. You will see the results you desire. Give it some time.
I hope this helps! We are all supporting you in spirit!
Posted on Nov 17, 2005 07:19 PM
Joe said:
Alan Parsons Project!! CLASSIC.
FIN
Posted on Nov 18, 2005 04:51 PM
Ray said:
Test
Posted on Nov 18, 2005 11:53 PM
Corinne said:
Dear John
I just started to read these Blogs and I have to ask you.. WHAT ARE YOU ON ??
I want some !!
You have heaps of energy. I eat right no Micky”D’s..
I walk I don’t have weights
I am old 50 .. Short and I bike ride.. Still weight is sticking to my Stomach.
Any suggestions ? Help.. and don’t forget send some of that “stuff”
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 03:06 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Corinne:
Welcome to the party, pal. (Name that film….)
I’m on life. I’m not on love because Claire Forlani is apparently taken. I’m not on drugs because they suck. My energy comes from organic foods and way too much time on my hands for such a busy guy. Hmmm…contradiction?
Now, you are not OLD. I liked you until you said THAT. : ) 50 is not old — OLD is old.
DId you read Fit Over 40? I didn’t write it for my health…I wrote it for yours. Take a look a Jill Langham (51), Marty Webb (62) or Kelly Nelson (78) and say, “man, they’re OLD!” Yeah. Like any of us could ride 14 miles in the Washington hills to train for an hour and then ride BACK, 5 days a week — and that’s KELLY!
Just reframe — you’re only 50. That’s not even “mid-life” if you play your cards right. You have plenty of time to do whatever you want…just need a few good role models. Fit Over 40 is a good start, as is this blog.
Welcome!
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 03:21 PM
Corinne said:
Thanks John,
OK I’m not old, :0)…I will buy a copy of fit over 40, I am sure these wonderful attractive “youngsters” can teach me a thing or two. To be honest I have recently had
some knee pain that becomes much worse after riding my bike and after walking for 1.5 miles it flares up. Frustrating !!! to say the least, I get myself hyped to work out and then end up in pain. So maybe weights are my answer ? Thank You For the Welcome .. BTW you are a handsome fella ;-)
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 10:37 AM
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