Thanksgiving in The States, Part 2
Yo, Rin-10-10.
“Woof” to you, too. Now, come ‘ere…
I have a surprise for you. Not one, but two compelling if not completely over-the-top reasons to make that list I discussed in Thanksgiving in The States, Part 1 and stay the course of your 10-in-10 Challenge.
Listen up Brits, Canadians and other people from other places if there are indeed other places. (If so, please write the White House and inform the State Department. Thank you.)
First of all, you Brits are not off the hook. Yeah, you don’t celebrate Thanksgiving…but you should. After all, this was originally a “British” holiday, right? Or do we have our time stamp all goofy over here? Do clarify, please. Last time I checked, Donald McPuritan was still bowing to The Queen.
Canadians…we’re better late than never, so you can just substitute the word “Christmas” for “Thanksgiving”. Come Christmas you’ll have two dumps of “blog” for the price of one. Unless you Canooks don’t celebrate Christmas, either. If so, it’s probably because you’re economically smarter than we are and the fact that it’s too cold to celebrate anything but fire in most of Canada.
Let’s hear it for Canadian Fire Day. Just elect me mayor of some…whatever you call those places and I’ll get it done, man. National holiday. I’ll also get Rush to play. And I’ll be sure to kill Celine Dion. In case I’m not elected…please, dearest god, someone up there in the Great White North hear our cries of mercy and put that shriek machine permanently out of commission.
Here you go: Jon’s fun with Photoshop — and here’s to never viewing Turkey Day the same again.
Warning: the materials below are not for children because by strict definition “children” should be classified as “infants” and infants have not learned to read yet. Thank you.
First, a bit of reality for you. Below you’ll find two images. The first is what the media wants to serve you for supper. You have a skinny chick, breasts, and turkey. I did NOT crop this picture — the crop is no-doubt intentional as you can only see the two “B”s — boobs and bird.
My bit of reality check shows you…well, just that. Say hello to Uncle Dan, or what you’ll look like if you keep eating so much freakin’ turkey just because our calendar says to. Got that? Good. Now, burn this image into your subconscious like a plasma TV set with Wheel of Fortune left on pause for 22 days:
Lovely, isn’t it? Notice the subtle change in perception.
Now, for my next trick…you know those Vishnu-awful Vytorin ads you see every 3 minutes these days? The ones were Madison Avenue execs tried to be clever, again, and combine “family”, “humor” and “buy this drug of death so we can retire early”, all in the same 60-second spot?
The gag, and damn if this isn’t clever…no, really…this isn’t clever…is that the “food” you eat looks kinda like the “person” standing next to the food. So, Grandma Pearl is dressed all in green and looks like the slice of Key Lime Pie showed next to her. One wonders why they didn’t go the whole nine yards and show a piece of fried chicken next to Shania Twain naked, yet in a vat full of boiling grease. That might have made me pay attention a bit longer.
The real ads go on to totally lie out their sphincters about how “cholesterol has only two sources”…you know, dumb it down for the masses while convincing the masses that cholesterol is even that much of a problem to begin with. Genius, sheer genius. (They left out acute antioxidant response to elevated free radicals, elevated insulin over time, toxicity in the liver…but hey, who’s counting or even caring these days?)
Using the same bit of “clever marketing tactics”, I’ve created my own version of a Vytorin-type ad…but I used Crestor (another silly drug) for the logo because, well, I get ‘em all confused. I even did them a favor and created a new product at that. Notice the striking similarity between the images.
(Copy courtesy of me. Images are ©2005 by me, all rights reserved by me. Basically just keep your grimy hands off my Jacko or I’ll hunt you down like the dog you are. A fictional product, for those of you who are forever lost in Shoe-size I.Q. Land.)
Gives “gobble, gobble” a whole new…hmmm. Something.
I trust these doses of reality mixed with sheer putrid humor will cause you to lose at least half your appetite and pull you back to Planet Earth, the 10-in-10 Challenge, and sue some ad exec — all at the same time.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to write some ad copy for Pfizer…something about a new drug to help you pay more attention to commercials about drugs. I dunno…wasn’t paying much attention. {10}
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Comments (9)
janine hill said:
Aaaaah Bingo, ever heard of Australia or should I send a map straight to the White House.
I am addressing the adrenal fatigue (aren’t you a clever Bingo )a prime candidate apparently so there you go.
Thank you very much for your help.
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 05:39 PM
Dr Janet said:
Bingo Bingo, Bingo,
Now, I certainly have even more respect for you: I thought that I was the only one who disliked Celine Dion. If I EVER hear that damn Titanic song, I will hurl myself over a tall building.
So, like, you want me to buy M-Power?? Is that what you were hinting at? ;)
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 06:08 PM
Jon Benson said:
You’re welcome Janine… : )
Dr. J (ha)…no, no…heavens no. Why would you want to buy something that would change your life? : )
Yeah, everyone with ears capable of breaching the 30 megahertz barrier just want her to die, already. Or at least retire and eat some food.
Now, somebody better laugh at those mock ads. That took some time…and Bingo is growing angry.
Gobble…
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 06:13 PM
Dr J said:
Bingo,
Re: Photoshop; hee-hee (happy?)
Re: M-Power purchase; done deal
Happy turkey day!
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 06:38 PM
janine hill said:
Just thought I would add that I have never been able to stand Celine Dion ( but does that surprise you )I will turn off any station or channel or appliance with forementioned personage’s ?music or evil hypnotic sound emitting forthwith. Nothing personal you understand…..
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 07:47 PM
Kay said:
Jon,
The ads are funny and so true, there you go again!
Thanks for the email too. Think I’ll even move your name up a few places on my list of what I’m thankful for.
I celebrated Thanksgiving last weekend, that happens when you’re lots of miles from family. So on Thursday I’ll be walking at the beach, really warm here, and listening to M-Power.
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 08:03 PM
trish said:
Happy Thanksgiving to all those who celebrate. I thought you might enjoy the following:
THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING
>>
>> TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING,
>> BUT I JUST COULDN’T SLEEP.
>> I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS,
>> I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
>>
>> THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED,
>> THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE,
>> BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION
>> WTH ALL OF MY MIGHT
>>
>> TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION,
>> THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION.
>> SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR
>> AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE.
>>
>> I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES,
>> PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES.
>> I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND,
>> ‘TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND.
>>
>> I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING,
>> FLOATING INTO THE SKY
>> WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING
>> AND A HANDFUL OF PIE.
>>
>> BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES …
>> HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE.
>> MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
>> MAY YOUR POTATOES ‘N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
>>
>> MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS
>> MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
>> MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
>> STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
>>
Posted on Nov 23, 2005 03:38 AM
Al said:
Jon,
well I am Canadian, and yes we do celebrate thanksgiving too, but not at the same date as you guys, but rather when it is Columbus day in the USA, and also we do celebrate Christmas, but maybe we don’t go as crazy as you guys, I usually listen to a radio station from NY state when I go to work, but lately they only play Christmas music and it drives me crazy, give it a rest, please. Anyway, even if it is cold here most of the year believe me I find the way of sweating like a pig at minus 40 degrees, I love going for cross country skiing in the forest up north of Montreal, and we do have a lot of activities outdoor in the city, and yes, I love summer and believe me when temperature is back to zero in the early spring, everybody is outside walking and on the cafe terrasse, enjoying the sun. You only have to get used to it, but in the summer it gets very hot and humid too, so some days in the spring it goes from zero to 30 degrees Celsius at noon (32F to 90F) difficult to predict and to choose what to wear, but everybody hits the street and it is party time for the 3 months it last. We do eat a lot less also, I just can’t understand the portion sizes at restaurants when I visit in the USA, it is insane and all fatty, no wonder people are fat, I don’t say that there is not a lot of overweight people in Canada, we do love cheeses ( yes the very smelly ones, hey we are French) and also in the Anglo world, they live like you, they want to be you, thank god I live in Quebec, yes Celine is from around here, but it is one thing that we are proud of exporting to you guys, sorry! I like your blog, it is funny, it makes you stop and think, and it is inspiring.
Thank you, for all. This is my way of celebrating thanksgiving, by saying to the people and friends around me that they make a difference in my life. why not celebrating thanksgiving by re centering our thanks around the ones that make a difference in our world, and yes give the extra food to the ones in need. And no fire days, it is bad for the environments, and it creates smog, so no thanks.
AL
Posted on Nov 24, 2005 12:23 AM
Richard Rost said:
You mentioned Rush! You mentioned Rush! Yeaaaaaahhhh…
I just finished reading parts 1 and 2 of the Thanksgiving blogs and found them very entertaining. Jon, your take on American History is PERFECT. I love the “sanitized” versions of these lovely events that are handed down in schools to children… like how we celebrate Columbus Day while totally overlooking the brutality… er… I mean enlightenment that was bestowed thankfully on the natives.
Anyhow, Jon, I’ve always agreed with Tom Venuto - that it’s not what you eat “once in a while” that defines you, but rather what you eat EVERY DAY. If you eat healthy 95% of the time, it’s OK to enjoy yourself and splurge (calorie-wise) on a good Thanksgiving meal. I mean, how often do many people have the opportunity to sit down with family and have a huge meal… and by “huge” I mean a wide variety of foods to choose from (turkey, stuffing, potatos, corn, root veggies, etc.) My wife’s family must serve at least 15 different types of food (plus the obligatory desserts afterward) and it’s hard not to sample them all… some twice.
So I try to stick to my healthy diet the week leading up to the feast (regardless of the holiday) and the week following it… and then I feel free to enjoy myself! I don’t pig out until I’m sick from it (well, not since my runway supermodel days), but I’m not ridden with guilt over having 2 extra tablespoons of mashed fatty goodness.
And if I do go overboard, well, I give myself 10 extra minutes on the treadmill or stat bike every day for the following week… all while hitting myself with a horsewhip… no just kidding about that whip part.
While I’ve got your ear (eye?) Jon, I also wanted to share with you one of my observations… I know that you’re down in Texas where it’s NICE pretty much all the time, but up here in the cold zone (I’m in Buffalo NY which isn’t as cold as your reader in Quebec, but it’s still damn cold here most of the year)… anyhow… up here in the cold zone, I’ve noticed that the human body almost has a built-in tendency to want to STORE fat in the cold months.
I was a former fatty… I was 340 pounds in 2002, and I worked it all off down to 180 lean pounds last summer (to all other readers, I HIGHLY recommend Jon’s sites and also Tom Venuto’s BFFM program)…
Anyhow, I’ve noticed both in myself and from helping others that it’s VERY difficult to shed pounds from November through March when it’s below freezing most of the time here. Yet, when spring comes around, the weight melts off much easier.
Whether it’s a matter of motivation (it’s sometimes hard to get out and exercise when it’s dark, cold, and gloomy most of the time) or whether there’s some kind of physiological reaction to the cold in play, I cannot say… but I think this is why so many people (especially in northern states) get FRUSTRATED trying to lose weight…
New Years Resolution time. January 1st. What do people resolve: “I’m gonna lose weight!” Great. Excellent. So they start hitting the treadmills, the exercise bikes, the irons. Of those people who DON’T burn themselves out by going too hard, too fast and injuring themselves, the rest don’t see much progress. Why? I think because it’s COLD, and your body really rejects your attempts at shedding weight when it’s -15F outside.
So, people start a weight loss program in January, and they drop out by March… just when it’s starting to get nice outside and they SHOULD be cranking up the outdoor cardio.
Have you noticed this at all, Jon? Does this even translate at all to southern states? I just came back from Florida where it was 70 degrees all last week, and I was outside walking and LOVING IT. I still go out for walks and jogs here in Buffalo in the winter… but I certainly can’t get as much quality outdoor cardio (running, cycling, softball) as I can in the summer.
So what I’ve resolved MYSELF to is spending these cold months essentially POLAR BEARing it. I plan to spend November through mid-February concentrating on weight GAIN… building quality muscle, while trying to minimize fat gain (lean protein, healthy fats, etc.) Then, in the spring when it’s nice out again, concentrate on burning off the fat while keeping as much muscle as I can.
What do you think?
Posted on Nov 25, 2005 03:33 PM
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