Here’s what I mean — fat burning is not a consistent process. How we all wish it were, but biology and stuff. It all gets in the way. Damn biology. The only biology I was ever really interested in was Amy Ewell’s. She was my high school sweetheart. Ah, good times. The rest just bored me silly. I’m a swell nutritionist, though.

Don’t ask.

So, yeah…biology gets in the way. Here’s just a few of the ways. I’d tell you all the ways, but I don’t know that and even if I did you’re not paying me to stay up past my bedtime.

First, there’s that wacky stuff called leptin. Leptin injections were popular back when doctors thought they had found the magic fat-loss drug at long last. And, get this — it’s made inside the fat cell itself. Just think of it. That’s like Hitler making bombs that only blow up Arian Nazi Jackoheads. How cool would that have been? Think of all the dollars we would have saved…and France could have continued to sit on their snooty asses and enjoyed the Parisian coffee in peace.

Jed Babbin said it best: Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. For those keeping score, old Jed was a former deputy undersecretary of defense in the first Bush administration. We’re all guessing “former” because he told Bush that he enjoyed “all” facts, not just those about France. Who knows. Who cares. Politicians suck.

Anyway, leptin…groovy stuff. Doesn’t exactly work like the miracle-seeking druggies want you to believe, but it works great in the actual way it was designed to work. As best as I understand this little bugger (read: no one really gets this yet), leptin likes to be around in large amounts. Leptin is the way that your fat stores speak to your brain to let your brain know how much energy is available and, very importantly, what to do with it. It’s a potent little fat-burning machine…most of the time.

You see, leptin also communicates with your noggin whenever fat cells start to shrink. This is yet another evolutionary throwback that, and let’s just call a spade a jack, God really should fix. This is beyond Bingo’s powers. He deals only in love and virgins. Someone get Andy Warhol on the phone and tell him to call God. This really needs a-fixin.

Shrinking fat cells is a ‘good thing’ unless you live in Ethiopia or you’re stranded on an island and you’ve already eaten Rosie O’Donnell. She would tide you over for a good six months, but after that you’d be damn hungry. At that point, leptin would be doing it’s job — telling your brain, “Hey, burn muscle if you have to, but leave this energy storehouse called ‘my fat’ alone…jackohead.” In a horrid twist of metabolic fate, leptin apparently has something to do with fat lass as well. Don’t ask me — I’m pretty clueless about the whole deal, but I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow after sleep and coffee. Just run with me — it’s important for both fat burning and not-so-friendly when it comes to burning fat too quickly.

Different people have different leptin “genes”, I’m sure. That’s why some can diet and diet and nothing happens, and others can diet for a year and discard 52 pounds or more of body fat.

There’s another issue, and this is one I know a lot more about (don’t you wish every fitness writer was this honest?…and funny?…and cute?…and modest?) — the hormone called “T4”. This is inactive thyroid that, in people with healthy thyroid processes, is converted into active thyroid (T3) which is used to regulate metabolic functions. No T3, no metabolism to speak of — and that means very little fat burning.

Call God again Andy. T4 shuts down faster than an internet cafe in Amishtown when calories are restricted for long periods of time. Once that happens, your body temperature drops, often by several degrees.

Keep in mind that a “calorie” is defined as “a unit of heat.” Ah — that’s why temperature is important. A cheap but effective way of measuring your active metabolic rate is to take your temperature first thing in the morning with an old-style mercury thermometer. Just don’t put it in your mouth.

No, not THERE, either.

Put it under your arm for 10 minutes and lay still. Make sure it’s shaken down and ready to go so you don’t even have to get out of bed to grab it. Monitor your temp for 3 days. If it’s lower than 97.2, you have a problem Kemosabe. You either (a) have a deficient thyroid output to begin with, or (b) have shut down your metabolism due to excessive dieting.

And now, the good news: both of these genetic screw-ups can be corrected, assuming the latter is not a result of a defective thyroid gland. All you need to do is eat more and put on some fat.

“Oh, that’s just lovely BINGO THE MORON…like I’m really going to do THAT!”

Yep, you are. Whether you like it or not in most cases. So, you might as well enjoy it.

Here’s how I do it: 8 steps forward, 2 back. “Steps” are pounds of fat — so I plan on discarding about 8 pounds of body fat and putting back on 2 or so in a 6-week period of time. Miraculously, this works out to be…HEY! 10 in 10. You’d think I planned that or something.

Remember, 10 in 10 doesn’t mean “1 pound per week, every week, without any exceptions.” That’s the overall goal. If you discard two pounds one week and none the next, you’re still cool. Even cooler, discard about 8 pounds or so and then back off your nutrition for a few days. That’s all it takes. Two to four days of eating “loose” will quickly restore T4 levels and trick the body into believing, “Hey, famine is over! This jackass finally moved out of Ethiopia and now lives in a posh New York City penthouse, so I can start hoarding leptin again.”

See how that works? It’s metabolic magic — tricking the defects into working for us.

Besides giving you a bit of a mental break (even though you should, as I do, really enjoy every meal you eat), this mini-diversion restores normal metabolic functions assuming you eat more than you’ve been eating.

I use this time to just add one or two meals a day in that are enjoyable alternative meals. A few slices of pizza here, a burger there, a slice of key lime pie on the side. That sort of junk.

Do this for more than 4-5 days, and you’re hosed. Also, if you struggle with resuming quality nutrition, this system is playing with fire. The cleaner you eat during the 8 pounds down, the easier it is to deal with the 2 pounds up.

For instance, I just had my 2 pounds up. I was right at 9 pounds of body fat discarded and felt that “feeling”…the need to eat and re-set the fat-burning thermostat. I did, for 3.5 days, and that was plenty. I put on about 1.5 pounds of fat and water. I felt ready to resume on Monday night, and resume I did. Now, check it: I was really “craving” sweets on Sunday and Monday…even into Tuesday. I wanted to test my “organic food cured my sweet tooth theory”, so what a better way than this?

Did it work? Hell ya! I haven’t had the slightest urge for sugar from the moment I resumed eating organically. None. Nada. Ziltch.

I’m back on track to discard about 2 pounds by the end of next week, and then continue on to my next 8.

So why is this called The Wall Street Diet? Simple: this is the way investments work. If all you did was gain every day in the market, or every month, you’d buy Bill Gates Christmas presents in a few years. Doesn’t work that way, does it? Nope — up and down, just like Pamela Anderson.

Ratings. Ratings, you perv. Ratings. Her “ratings” are up and down.

And the other thing.

Anyway, up and down…just like burning body fat. The only difference is “down” in the market just flat-out sucks unless you’re a buying man or woman. It can be a ‘good’ thing when it comes to fat-burning. You get a “break”, you get to restore your hormones (T4, leptin, and some other goodies) back to a highly-receptive state, and the pressure of “always gotta lose!” is abandoned.

Give this Wall Street strategy a shot. Just be sure to have an exit strategy. Anything more than 4-5 days should fire off every red alert in your head and call for an immediate intervention, exorcism, or slap in the face by a loved one.

Learn to listen to your body, my friends. You’re in this for life, not for 10 weeks. Would you take 6 pounds of body fat shed for every 8 or 9 weeks — for life? You bet…and if you wouldn’t, go read a book on smart investing. Then apply that same strategy to your nutrition plan. You’ll see the wisdom, along with your abs, in due time. {10}