Tomorrow, Tomorr…
You know the song, right? From Cats, that Broadway musical smash about giant felines from the Planet Zenon that take over a small city in western Montana, only to discover that a rogue protein molecule left in the ionosphere by Patches, their fearless leader, when chasing what he thought was a space squirrel, produced a mutant race of creatures who called themselves The FleaOCrats. These FleaOCrats declared a holy war on our exorbitant meows until they fled Earth and returned to Zenon, their claws bloodied from the battle….
but…will they live to scratch another day?
Yeah, that song.
(Okay, so I never saw Cats. Shoot me. I’m a dog man anyway. Who wants to see a giant pussy (cat) sing about hairballs and the sun rising? Not me…but give me an insult comic Rottie with a big-ole brown stogie, and I’m dialed-in, man.)
No, this blog isn’t about the war between Zenon and Earth, or between cats and dogs, or that god-awful John Gray’s doodling that he later called a “self-help philosophy book” (read: something to use when out of toilet paper)…what was that called?…Men Moon Mars, Women Shave With Venus, or something? No, no, no…this is another Jon wake-up call to all of those out there waiting for the sun to set and rise yet again.
One day, it won’t.
One day, you just won’t be here.
The sun will not rise…at least for you.
Welcome to the world of being fertilizer, or perhaps glorified ashes adrift in the ocean until some ash-eating fish (I suppose there are some) gobbles you up for a snack before being caught and eaten by rich folk off Cape Cod.
Heh. They ate you. Heh. They didn’t even know it. Heh. Serves ‘em right for…for…I don’t know. Being old, rich and living on Cape Cod. Yeah.
Poopy…where was I going with all that morbidness?
Right…right. No more tomorrows.
Take a look at my clever headline again. Notice first the nifty font…eh? Cool trick, no? You bet. You wish your site had that font…yeah, I know you do. However, that’s not the point: the rather clever use of the flat-line in the middle of a song about tomorrow is.
I thought of it while listening to one of the aforementio….no. I will not use that word AGAIN. Starting over….
I thought of it while listening to one of the foregoing felines belching out the hideously catchy melody on Fox. Fox. Cats. Dogs. Geez…someone call PETA. My first thought, after diving for my Radiohead CD (they rule, just like monkeys and Claire), was, “Hey, that cat is singing! Cats can’t do that!! Wow, and OH MY GO….oh, that’s a person.”
However, shortly after that thought came this new and improved thought: “Hey, listen here Cat Woman, you no more know there will even be a tomorrow than I know if Hummer will come out with the H17, a nano-Hummer designed to live inside urban hipster’s bloodstreams until they believe they really ‘are’ cool.
“So…like…shut up about it, you kitty bitch…person…dilly.”
The same goes for you. You have no idea if tomorrow will come. Oh sure, I’ll lay wagers that it will…but one day, without fail, I’d lose that bet. If you’re betting your health, your fitness, your nutrition plan, your recommitment to 10-in-10, your desire to really live, your intent on eventually taking a vacation, your ambitions, your dreams or your love on tomorrow’s existence, you’re skating on very thin kitty litter.
I’m urging each of you to grab today while it’s still here. Make sure you don’t begin “anything” tomorrow that you can begin right now — really, anything. Why? Give me one good reason. Okay, if you think of something at 11:59:59pm, then that’s a good reason — but be reasonable, you silly willy. Don’t make me call Zenon and have the big, hairy, smelly kitty-poos come back and eat your brain, okay?
Okay, my training is on (recovering great); kicked in some supplements (creatine and L-Glutamine), and my meals continue to rock. Took an alternative meal today: 4 thin slices of cheese pizza. My body thanked me for it. More water, less junk — and still no sugar cravings. I picked up a small bag of cookies (the kind that has three in them) and when I got home I took a bite and tossed them. Just didn’t want them.
Wow…I’ve been taken over by Zenonites with Organic Cat Food. Someone save my brain…and please, do it today. Why? Because tomorrow sucks. Just check the sidebar — it’s there, right along side “Claire Forlani’s boyfriend”, “Most doctors in America”, and “Free Motion equipment.”
Yep. Tomorrow is THAT bad…unless it comes, then it’s today and that’s okay. Got that? Groovy-cool. {10}
Archived in Just Jon.
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Comments (14)
Clare said:
Hey Jon, Mustta known you were going to write about this,cos I started my weights training again TODAY and didn’t wait for tomorrow. This was the first day since Wednesday I haven’t woken with a headache so I seized the day. Got through it too, a bit beaten up after, but still back on track. Fortunately I haven’t been wanting to eat much, so I’ve gone down another kilo as well. Thank goodness.Tried that coffee trick before weights too. Had a sip of my husband’s brew and boy that was enough for me. I swear he must sub contract to the airport, it tasted like tarmac.same consistency too. New website-hmmm-quite a shock. You think that’s a funny look in your eye? Starting to see where your one on one contacts may be falling down. I found it scary. Sorta ‘put that pizza down now! and why aren’t you running?’I might call it up next time i think about missing a ride.
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 01:09 AM
Clare said:
Claire Forlani
c/o Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90212-1825
This is the official fan mail address.Dare ya.
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 01:22 AM
Tera said:
I think the Zenonians moved in the apartment above me yesterday, because they helped kick me mentally into doing my workout without even meeting me. I watched as the vast majority of their household items were delivered from two rent-to-own places (you know, the most expensive way to ever own anything). Included was a brand new flatscreen high definition TV, an entire living room set, an entire bedroom set, a kitchen table and chairs, and heaven only knows what else. I still live like a college student since I can’t afford any of those things, which is fine because I’d also hate having to *move* all those things. The rent up there is higher than what I pay since it has vaulted ceilings with pretty windows and I think even a gas-burning fireplace. To date, two different neighbors have cut and run in the middle of the night because it was either that or get evicted and prosecuted for back rent. Yeah, I live in that kind of neighborhood. So how did this convince me to exercise? Well, being the nonjudgemental person that I am (*sigh* Okay, okay… so I was in the dumps and highly irritated about life, so took it out on complete strangers), I immediatly snorted and thought how sad it is that so many people *have* to have the good life before they can afford it. How immature. Then BING, WHAMMO, I got hammered by the same thought twisted around - how do you *get* to the good life if you don’t work towards it? I’m supposed to be doing what I can for my health, and there I was lounging around in my sweats. How immature. Having realized that (and that I was being a horrendous judgemental neighbor), I wandered off into my living room to do some cardio. What wonderful new neighbors I have to help motivate me that way!
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 08:09 AM
anna said:
Hello
What you can do tomorrow start doing today.
well, the greatest cardio workout ever..
clean your pretty big kitchen floor the old fashion way - with a bucket of soapy water, get on your knees and just work it.
It took me good 20 mins if not longer but i got up from my knees feeling great that i could just do two things at once.
There are days that i do feel great - like today - I cleaned and cooked all my meals for the upcoming week all nicely proportioned and prepacked and all - all this while dancing and singing out loud - and that is because my hubby took the kids for the day out with dad. Great!!
Jon - the site looks awsome :)
also me and my husband are orginizing a new year eve party - all you bloggers are invited - if you can get here but if not check our web site at www.macgala.com
and jon we also received web awards for web desingn - if you want you can take a look
at www.djtomski.ca and see if you like it, although i have a feeling the music might not be your type.
Blog to you tomorrow
have a great evening everybody
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 05:28 PM
janine hill said:
I go away for one weekend and everything is….different . The eyes are a little eerie , if you look at the eyes they actually seem to move forward……certainly makes me think I better not procrastinate with those keeping an eye on things!
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 05:31 PM
Cally said:
Hi Jon. Great site
You created a list of things that suck, how about a list of things that rock or dont suck?
Funny about the most Drs in America sucking, that excludes me because I practice overseas.
Best wishes,
Cally
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 11:14 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Cally:
Please look to your right…just about said ‘suck’ column…those are things that do NOT suck. They RULE. Most things that rule (just like the things that suck) cost money…most things.
You know, Edie Brickell, before she went off to become rich and married Paul Simon, said, “Religion is a smile on a dog.”
I guess that’s free. Then again, when my dogs would smile, it would usually be when they were scratching their unspeakables. I just refuse to believe that ‘this’ is what men and women have given their lives in the pursuit of for eons, despite the free ticket.
Dogs cost money, but it could have been someone else’s dog I suppose.
You know, this is a silly response.
Besides, Eddie was stoned out of her fake-hippy gord when she penned that bit of nonsense.
I never liked her.
Oh, I said MOST doctors. Please Dr. Cally, do pay attention in class. : )
P.S. Glad to have you, and welcome to my brain.
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 11:26 PM
Jon Benson said:
To Clare:
I have much more nerve than that. I sent her pictures of me with “Marry Me, Claire!” carved into my chest hair.
Thanks for the research! You never know…then again, I think we’ll end up on Oprah together…same show. How cool, eh?
To Anna:
Well, someone fell in love with Flash and never looked back!
Cool site…we’ll be adding the Flash components to the top bar and other whacko-whacky pics of me pretending I’m like Thom Yorke and cool and stuff. Although even I am better looking than Thom, he’s still much cooler.
He can sing much better than I can, too.
Go Radiohead.
Oh, check out the “BigAsk”. Google it. Very important.
Kinda scary that the UK is just now pressing the issue. God…that means it will be another 20 years before anyone in the States gives a Jacko about it.
Oh, right…I forgot. Rush Limbaugh said, “It’s a myth.”
He also said McNabb was only getting the props he was getting last year in the NFL because he was black. Donavan got revenge by making it all the way to the Super Bowl on his blackness alone. Just imagine — because his pigment is darker than mine, he was praised as a QB. Wow. Nifty.
It takes a real moron to get fired from Fox when you’re a conservative and popular at the same time.
To be honest, I like Rush because he’s funny, smokes cigars, and at least tries to defend himself….not that I wouldn’t like to see him and Sting in a debate. That would be a hoot.
God, I need a beer.
First, I need to start drinking…THEN I need a beer…
Bingo out.
Posted on Nov 20, 2005 11:39 PM
Pete said:
You said “Okay, so I never saw Cats. Shoot me”
…and I thought - ‘yeah - obviously’.
The song ‘Tomorrow’ doesn’t come from ‘Cats’ it comes from the musical ‘Annie’.
I bet you haven’t seen ‘Annie’ either.
BANG!
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 04:01 AM
Jon Benson said:
To Pete:
You said, “You said, “Okay, so I never saw Cats. Shoot me.”……and I thought - ‘yeah - obviously’.”
FINALLY someone is paying attention.
You’re quite correct, Pete.
I’m NOT GAY.
THANK YOU for pointing that out to our readers. You know, I was wondering if anyone got past that whole invasion gag only to realize that…”HEY…of course Jon didn’t see a MUSICAL…he’s not GAY!…Phhhhttttt…god, that silly hetero guy!!”
I’m also not a fan of Liza, Dorothy, Marilyn, or parades in general.
You said: I bet you haven’t seen ‘Annie’ either.
BANG!
AUhhh…you got me…ahhhh. Buddhadamn, that bitch Annie gave you her gun and…oh..the pain…please, hold be big fella…I think my liver is bleeding…oh, the light…I can see the light…the LIGHT IS GROWI…
…hey! You’re a GUY! What th——————————————
HA! Had you going there. Thought I was all, you know, like “no homo” and “culture-less” and other junk like that der…HA!
I bet you read that in horror.
Okay, let me explain what the comedic element of plot dump reconstruction entails. Briefly, you screw up the plot of something in an elaborate way, as I did here.
Now, to put this technique on “steroids”, you use “displacement” — or the element of defining something wrong on purpose to give your audience a sense that you are indeed totally confused.
Example: “Like Shakespeare said in War And Peace, “Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven.”
See?? DO YA??? I did it ‘twice’! WOW!
First, Shakespeare was dust in the wind (Kansas, circa 1976) by the time Tolstoy penned “War and Peace” in…what…1860ish? Anyway, on TOP of the lunacy, I quoted MILTON (ahhh…god…I just…just…oh man…I’m laughing so hard it is difficult to type words like “onomatopoetic”…oh help me….) instead of EITHER Tolstoy (true author of “War And Peace, circa…what?…1860ish?) OR Shakespeare (author of…well, a lot of great stuff.)
The Milton reference was from The Divine Comedy Book I, which was neither divine nor the least bit funny.
(snickering…) See how deep you can go with this, Pete? It’s from Milton’s “Paradise Lost”, but the BOOK 1 was correct! Oh…man. But see, I couldn’t have used the funny-boned quote about it being “neither divine nor funny” without what? That’s right…displacement.
So, yeah Pete…bang. Right at ya, my man.
I was in the pit for “Annie” for 4 long months in college (the musical pit), so I’m all-too-aware of the dreaded “Tomorrow” song stemming from the scribbling of Henry Miller on a really bad day which ended on a bender and the lyric, “It’s only a day…a………wwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy.”
He then shot himself.
(See…I did it again, just in case you missed the tutorial above and skipped right to the end. Henry Miller was the controversial “Beat Gen” novelist, responsible for classics such as “Tropic of Cancer”, not a musical playwright. He also died of somewhat natural causes if memory serves, not a self-inflicted gunshot wound.)
This ends today’s lesson in comedic juxtaposition, English, Italian and American literature classics, and homosexually-oriented entertainment. Thank you.
Bingo
P.S. God, I just KEEP doing it…ah…man…I’m like spewing my protein drink through both my nostrils all over my 32” Apple Cinema Display (now available from Apple.com for only $1499.)
P.P.S. My real response: thanks Pete for paying such close attention to detail, but yes, it was done on purpose. : )
Posted on Nov 21, 2005 11:55 AM
Pete said:
P.P.S. My real response: thanks Pete for paying such close attention to detail, but yes, it was done on purpose. :)
Cool. I appreciate the lecture.
However, simple *whoooooosh* [1] response would have sufficed.
cheers
Pete
[1] That’s the sound something makes when it goes over your head. Like your comedic reference did with mine. As Einstein said ‘England and America are two countries separated by the same language’ ;)
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 04:24 AM
Jon Benson said:
Oh, take away ALL my fun why don’t you, ya silly Brit. : )
Of all people…what with Monty Python in your ‘back yard’, I’d think you’d have a soft spot for beating a dead horse into a glue factory.
I thought it was kinda fun…happy to have you mate!
Jon
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 02:01 PM
Tammy said:
The first thing I did when I saw “Tomorrow, Tomorrow” was sing it, the I couldn’t believe you thought it was from “Cats”! I yelled out “NO! ANNIE!” We all mistakes and thank goodness you are human; I was wondering for a while. I worked out Friday and Monday and moved all of my displays Friday night and Sunday to my booth at the Women’s Health Expo here. I stood and had to keep up my energy for 8-10 hours Saturday and Sunday and was a hurtin’ camper by Saturday already. I survived and continued to remind myself of the “10 in 10” all weekend when tempted by alot of sweets! So much for health! Except for organic dark chocolate, of course. Thanks for the reminders! Until tomorrow….
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 04:35 PM
Jon Benson said:
Ah, Tammy…yeah, Tammy…
YEAH. YOU. : )
Read that long blog right above yours and I think one other…’twil explain it all, my lovely.
Keep the game face on…Thurday approacheth.
Posted on Nov 22, 2005 06:25 PM
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